Are You Experiencing Positive Emotions?

pablo (49)

“Gratitude is the healthiest of all human emotions. The more you express gratitude for what you have, the more likely you will have even more to express gratitude for.” —Zig Ziglar

It’s one thing to understand that compassion, gratitude and other positive states will benefit us in our interactions and another thing to actually access these experiences when we need them.  Because of our natural negativity bias which we use to protect ourselves, we tend to pass over the positive states.

Once we decide we want to be more grateful, like any skill, we need to develop the habit of actually being more grateful. Fortunately, we know now about the neuroplasticity of the brain and that we can learn and develop in a relatively quick time (with intention).  It is not enough to meditate or think about gratitude.  We need to reflect on what we are grateful for. For example, one of my executive coaching clients began to devote five minutes at the start of his day to call to mind his team members and recount what he appreciates about each person. This was not a rote counting of their strengths; rather, he allowed himself to experience real gratefulness and noticed that he felt warmth in his chest as he did so.

Rick Hanson, a well-regarded neuropsychologist shares that it is not enough to experience activation of gratitude. We need to actually enjoy it and stay with it and extend the state for a few moments. He emphasizes that savoring the experience supports us in building or installing the neural pathways, so that we can develop the habit of accessing positive states that will serve us and our relationships.  

My executive client found his five minute ritual of experiencing gratefulness for his team members to be transformational. He became much more aware of how happy he was with the team and he became calmer and actually started giving more recognition to team members.  His intention and reflection and savoring actually shifted the entire culture of his team and it spread outwards and influenced the larger organization as well

Make it your intention to experience gratitude. Notice your sensations and bodily experience as you do. Savor the experience in order to build the neural pathway of the emotion. Make it a practice to remind yourself of your intention.  

Contact us and tell us what you are presently feeling grateful for and how you practice feeling so.

The Power of Awareness

pablo (46)

“The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.”—Nathaniel Branden

We have each adapted habitual patterns. Researchers estimate that 95% of our behaviors are, in fact, habits.  The benefit is that we take actions without expending a lot of mental energy for decision-making.  Many of our habitual patterns serve us; however, some are no longer useful.  The challenge is becoming aware of our patterns and making choices about what will support us in achieving our goals.  It is useful to appreciate that we each have blind spots.  I often coach executives who do not see that some of their behaviors are causing them to fall short of achieving their goals and even derail in their careers. Often, when under stress, leaders exert more of their habitual patterns that are hurting them such as not listening, criticizing, ignoring or becoming defensive.  

It is useful to make it a practice of noticing your thoughts.  You may find that you are constantly criticizing someone or yourself, complaining about too much to do and feeling stressed about a situation.  One of my clients realized that she felt overwhelmed by the need for a reorganization in her department and having a new boss. Under such stress, she buckled down to work and developed the reorganization plan without consulting or including others.  She also failed to inform her manager about the changes she was making. There was a lot of resistance from the staff, and her manager did not support her since he was excluded from her planning, as well. The disruption cost her on many fronts.  

Upon reflection, she realized that her habitual pattern when under stress is to hunker down and do the work herself. This pattern served her in childhood and college, as well as when she had an analyst role earlier in her career. However, the habitual pattern of doing the work herself did not work in a managerial role.  

Another executive found that he was extremely hard on himself.  He would take on very difficult and visible projects and did not appreciate his contribution and success. Despite his accomplishments, he did not feel confident.  He realized that he had a habitual pattern of immediately starting new projects and had an inner voice saying “don’t show-off” that served him in his humble family.  By becoming aware and consciously appreciating his contributions, he was able to be more relaxed and confident.  Because we had created a safe place to explore their habitual patterns, each of these leaders became aware of what triggered their behavior and explored and chose new options that supported them in their goals.

While it is not easy, it is useful to stop and reflect. You can ask for feedback and often people will be glad to share if they sense you are open to learning.  You can ask others to collect perceptions and engage in a formal coaching process to learn more.  A key for success for leaders and anyone is to become self-aware and then make choices that support your goals.

What are some of your habitual patterns that you can bring to awareness and subsequently be at freedom to choose what will best serve you in your current situation?

Contact us at any time with your thoughts.

Build rapport to meaningfully connect with others

pablo (43)

Have the intention of connecting with people by building rapport and finding common ground with them. Build rapport before launching into giving feedback or stating a need. People who are socially adept find this process easy and natural. Others say that they don’t find what they may call “small talk” easy.

Building rapport helps the person you are talking with to feel at ease and open to you and the conversation. By smiling and showing some interest, you help others feel safe and understand that you are not likely to hurt them. Inquire about or share information about something you have in common. Topics could be the weather, the commute, sports, children, vacations, something happening in the news, a company development, or health.

In workshops, I ask people to share something about themselves with the group. As we share about ourselves, we are a bit vulnerable. Invariably, in these brief conversations, participants begin to build rapport and feel connected. We often feel alone or feel that others don’t connect with what we do. When we build rapport, we feel less alone and more connected with others. It is human nature to feel connected when we have shared a similar experience.

One participant felt connected with someone who went to his high school, even though they had never met and went at different times. They felt they shared similar experiences. We want to be understood. Even on small issues, having some shared experiences helps us feel understood and see another as more of a friend than a foe.

We look for these connections naturally. When we first meet someone, we look for common ground. For instance, when we learn we both have young children, we relax a bit since we feel more understood by this stranger. Strangers can easily talk about the weather since both are experiencing it. Even a brief comment about how nice it is finally to see the arrival of spring creates a sense of connection in an elevator conversation.

Find something you have in common with others. The following conversation openers will help:

  • Do you come from a large family?
  • Do you like action movies?
  • Did you see the television show last night; can you believe the news?
  • How about that player and sports team?
  • I understand from Joe that you love photography, too.
  • It sounds like your children have the same musical interest as mine.
  • I see from the bag you’re carrying that you also go shopping at….
  • Do you like my shoes?

You don’t always have to build rapport immediately before an OASIS Conversation. If you make the effort to talk with a person and connect with her regularly, then when it is time for your conversation, the other person will already know you are friendly. If a power differential exists between you—you are the person’s manager, for example—remember to show interest in the other person. You will appear more human and show respect for the other person. People notice managers who show no interest in them and only see staff members as tools for getting work done; then they have less energy for supporting the manager.

How do you determine how much small talk is useful? Pay attention to the other person’s behavior. Some people only like a little small talk before they will start to squirm or switch the subject to work matters. Follow their cue. Others will not seem relaxed and need more conversation to build rapport. Notice when a shift in energy occurs; then it is okay to shift subjects. This skill can be learned by carefully observing others.

This excerpt was taken from my book OASIS Conversations.

Questions on the OASIS process and on building rapport? Contact us at www.Potentials.com

Show You Care About Career Development

I often speak with staff members about their views of their executive leaders. When it comes to career support, many leaders get low marks.  Leaders often feel they are too busy to be concerned about the careers of their staff. In addition, they often believe that each person is responsible for their own career.

Yes, each person needs to ensure they are learning and developing their skills and abilities.

Staff often indicate that they would like to feel that their boss cares about them as a person and takes some time to think about possibilities with them.  Managers can support their team by taking some time to explore their staff members’ aspirations and to help them see possibilities inside and outside the organization.  People want to feel like they are valued and that their boss will give them feedback and support their development.

While we often think of career progression as moving to a higher level position, it is useful to think of career development more broadly. When people begin to think of enhancing their awareness, skills, abilities and experiences as career development, there are many more options available.

How can you support the career development of your team members?

Bring a Clear and Positive Intention (And See Positive Results!)

OASIS Conversations (Book)Excerpted from: OASIS Conversations: Leading with and Open Mindset to Maximize Potential

This is the first in a series of tips for more effective communication.

Call to mind your intention for an interaction. It’s powerful to name your intention for a conversation, at least to yourself, the person you’ll converse with, or others. By consciously declaring your intention, you are more likely to move toward this picture. For those more challenging relationships, it is useful to remind yourself frequently. For example, you might say to yourself, “Jeff and I are communicating clearly and building a trusting relationship. We experience an oasis together and create great results together.” In addition to seeing a picture, it is useful to notice how you are likely to feel in your body as your intention is realized. Perhaps you notice yourself relaxing and feeling more playful as you envision your intention being fulfilled. As you shift your body position, you will be more open so Jeff is more likely to experience you as such. Continue reading