When you start a conversation with assumptions and judgments and act like they are facts, it causes defensiveness. If my family member had said, “You were rude and ruined my evening” without sharing his observable data first, I could have been defensive. I might have verbally attacked him for not being clear about his expectations or for his unjustified outburst.

In the workplace, if I observed that Marla, a staff member, did not volunteer to join a project committee, I might assume that she was not committed to the team. Marla might become defensive if I stated that. Then, she probably would be focused on protecting herself rather than being open to solving my concern and coming to an agreement. However, if I start the conversation in a non-judgmental tone by saying, “I notice that you did not volunteer to join the committee,” Marla might offer that she is working on some other aspects of the project or give other evidence of her commitment. Continue reading →

In workshops, I ask participants to observe what I do for two minutes. Without further explanation, I walk out of the room, then back in. Then I look under participants’ workbooks, I look behind doors, I clap, and I put my hands on my hips. I take off my shoe and put it back on. I throw a ball up in the air and take the caps off two markers and smell them. Then I ask participants, “What did you observe?”

Participants say: “You were unorganized.” “You lost something.” “You were frustrated.” “You were nervous.” “You were confused,” or “You were rude.” Some say, “You didn’t know what you were doing.” “You were upset.” “Your behavior bothered me— it was irritating.” These kinds of statements come quickly from participants. When I keep asking, “What did you observe?” they continue to state a wide range of their assumptions based on my behavior. Finally, a participant will state, “You left the room.” Another might say, “You came in the back door,” or “You threw the ball in the air.” Continue reading →

[Excerpted from OASIS Conversations: Leading with an Open Mindset to Maximize Your Potential]

Since our definitions of respectful behavior vary, we need to sharpen the skills of talking constructively with each other to learn more. OASIS Conversations will support you in promoting more respect.

I often work with teams to have OASIS Conversations about what they need to feel respected. In one company, a manager said she wanted people to walk into her office at the scheduled meeting time. This supported her in closing the meeting she was finishing and staying on time. Another manager in the same office found it more respectful for staff to wait outside his office even if he were running late. Another person said she would feel more respected if people did not “borrow” staplers and tape off of her desk without asking her. Someone else asked that people not speak to her as they approached her desk. Often, she was occupied and speaking on a phone headset. People were not aware of it since her long hair hid the phone. Another person experienced respect when her peers in the office pitched in and helped her finish a project at the end of the day. Continue reading →

[Excerpted from OASIS Conversations: Leading with an Open Mindset to Maximize Your Potential]

You might think it is obvious that people should say hello and there need not be ground rules about how to greet each other and work together. Everyone should know how to behave. Interestingly, when I ask groups of people in various organizations whether they say, “Good morning!” to their colleagues, I hear a range of responses.

In some parts of the world, like the South in the United States, people routinely greet each other in offices, and even strangers are greeted with enthusiasm in shops and on the street as they pass by. In some countries, such as France, office mates greet each other formally. They say, “Bonjour, Monsieur Bonhomme”— using surnames rather than first names— even when they have known each other and worked together for years. Continue reading →