Alice always sees what is going wrong or what can go wrong. While she is a bright and interesting person she feels alone. She has alienated people with her negative disposition. When I asked her to share a few things that are going well she said she would need time to reflect since she habitually saw the negative.
We all have habitual patterns that are so automatic that we don’t see or believe that we have a choice. At one point it had served Alice to see what could go wrong. She was able to anticipate and prepare. This served her greatly in her early childhood where she could ask for what she wanted and get the help she needed and also in her career—to a point. Her early bosses knew that she was reliable and she would produce impeccable reports. However, as she progressed in her career her negativity and pressure to have things a certain way caused her to turn people off. She failed to perceive that her negativity is what caused people to not want to work with her. Instead, she tended to think that it was the others who were not bright, capable or as hardworking.
I worked with Alice to build another path. Her well-worn neural pathway of negativity activated her amygdala and caused her to react with anxiety and employ fight and flight strategies. When she noticed her contraction she could use it as a signal to shift to another pathway and look for what was positive and what she appreciates in the moment. In addition, she reflected each day on what she was grateful for. This was not an easy new path to develop but after a short time she learned how to make the shift and activate the polyvagal nerve which released oxytocin. Literally, a different part of the brain is activated and she experienced more ease and relaxation.
Over time, Alice reported a better quality of life with more positivity and greater connection. We all have habitual patterns where we can learn new paths for greater well-being. And our well-being influences those around us.
“I believe we can change the world if we just start talking to one another again.”—Margaret Wheatley
“I am looking for another position.” A client told me that he planned to transfer or leave his job. I was surprised since he had seemed to be enjoying his work and his recent presentation to his company was positively received.
He was hurt and disappointed that his team members had not attended his company presentation. While some had wished him well and even said they looked forward to his presentation, they were not in the auditorium. My client assumed that his colleagues did not, in fact, support him. He was sad, hurt and felt disrespected. He wanted to leave as soon as possible.
He was aware of the OASIS Conversation process and after a few weeks of suffering, and some encouragement, he decided to have a conversation with a team member about the event. After all, he had little to lose since he would be leaving anyway.
He began, “I was surprised that most of the team did not show up for my presentation. I assume people are not comfortable with my leadership and I am disappointed.” His colleague was dumbfounded. In fact, the opposite was the case. On the day of my client’s presentation, there had been a bit of a crisis with their program, and all of his team had banded together to address it. They had not told their leader since they knew of his big presentation in front of the company and they did not want to disturb him. His colleagues had stayed behind and handled the issue. They listened to his talk virtually or viewed the video. No one thought to tell my client about the crisis since it had been diverted.
My client’s assumption that his team did not support him was absolutely wrong. He suffered for weeks and almost left his position. He was grateful that he had risked the conversation.
Notice your assumptions. What conversation can you risk engaging in?
The presidential election has made us more aware than ever that we are seeing the world very differently than neighbors, family members and colleagues. Many are reflecting on how to proceed next. One option is to believe that people with opposing views “just don’t get it” or worse are not intelligent or capable. We may go so far as to polarize the others and see them as less than human. Name-calling and even violence may evolve. While having negative views of the other may be a natural first option, it has costs. Continue reading →