You’ve probably felt frustrated about not getting enough done on a project. I have been developing a new course. I notice I feel productive, and the work flows some days. Other times, I wonder why it feels more challenging, and I don’t feel satisfied.

I love the moments I am immersed in the work and lose track of time. I want to keep going and am absorbed and enjoying the process. Mihály Csíkszentmihályi, who was a psychologist at the University of Chicago, called this state flow. He did a lot of research and discovered that when we are in a state of flow, we enjoy what we are doing, forget about ourselves and the demands of the outside world, and become creative and productive.

Who doesn’t want more flow and enjoyment? The key I found is that it takes about 15 minutes of focus before fully engaging in a task. Once I do, I can fall into a state of flow. The challenge is that I would be pulled out of flow when I shifted to answer a call or read an email. Then it takes another 15 minutes to reenter the flow state. So some days, I click in and out of focus, with all the distractions, that I do not feel productive.

Try an experiment and notice how you can shift into the flow state after about 15 minutes of focus. (For me, that means no social media surfing or taking calls.) I am experiencing a lot more enjoyment and creativity. I hope you will have the same experience. Let me know.

“There is a calmness to a life lived in gratitude. A quiet joy.” — Ralph H. Blum

By now you have heard people praising the power of gratitude. Yes, research is consistent that groups that reflected on what they are grateful for experienced more satisfaction, happiness and better health than groups that engaged in other reflections.

I have made it a part of my daily ritual to reflect on what I am grateful for and write it down as I start my day. What this does is train the reticular activating system (RAS) part of the brain to be on the lookout for what is going well. We are naturally predisposed to notice what is not going well. However, due to neuroplasticity, we can train our brains to focus on what is going well.

Have you ever noticed that when you decide to buy a certain car, or study a specific topic or even are considering having a baby that everywhere you go you see that type of car, that topic and even more babies. Yes, our RAS, helps us to sort out what we are focused on amid all the possible data.

When we focus on what we are grateful for, we begin to notice more things to be grateful for and we become open to more possibilities and insights. It is a useful habit to reflect on how much we do have.

Today, we need more of us to take an Open Stance and be grateful for what is going well. We will experience more well-being and positively influence others. We will have more energy for co-creating solutions that work for all.

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.

— Carl Rogers

Compassion is essential these days. We can start with self-compassion. Like many of you, I had a lot on my plate and was trying to manage many requests and respond to the needs of people. Then I got some difficult news. I could feel a sense of overwhelm.

Kristin Neff offers a simple process that can serve each of us. First, simply notice what is happening in your body and say to yourself, “This is a moment of suffering.” You might also put your hand on your heart. Next, recognize that “Suffering is a common human experience.” All of us face challenges and this is a part of living on this earth. Third, we evoke compassion and kindness, “May I be kind to myself.”

Yes, it is simple and this makes it easy to remember in a time of stress or self-belittlement. It corresponds to what Deb Dana and Stephen Porges talk about in Polyvagal Theory. When you feel overwhelmed, notice that your nervous system is in a survival response. They call this dorsal (freeze) or sympathetic (fight/flight) reaction. Next, recognize that we all have moments where we shift from ease into a state of protecting ourselves. Finally, we can wish for kindness and allow some ventral energy to regulate our bodies. With practice, we can develop strategies to do so with ease. For example, I focus on grounding myself in the present moment, breathing, appreciating the moment, and being grateful or optimistic that things will work out. I call this taking an Open Stance.

The great news is that when I am self-compassionate and calm my nervous system, I have more capacity to be compassionate with others. When I take an Open Stance and am feeling safe, others can experience this and it helps them to regulate and also become calmer.

Just as trees are connected by their roots we are always influencing others, both consciously and unconsciously. I can be more compassionate when I recall that everyone is being influenced by their environment and others and we, as humans, naturally become dysregulated. Compassion is one of the Open Stance Postures, when we practice compassion with ourselves and others, we are supporting wellbeing, and connections and making a difference.

Wishing you self-compassion. What supports you during challenging moments?

You don’t have to look far to see all the challenges and uncertainty these days. It’s clear that we are not fully in control. Circumstances such as climate disruption, changes in the job market, illnesses, relationship breakdowns and negativity abound. 

While there are many circumstances that we cannot control, we can work on strengthening how we respond. We can set our intention on being aware and choosing to be open. We can pay attention to what is happening within us. By acknowledging our emotions, we give them space to transform into energy for action and possibility. For example, when I give myself empathy and acknowledge my disappointment and fear, I allow my humanness and can be more at choice on how to act. Of course, we each have to process our grief and emotions in our own timing and way. When we acknowledge our emotions, we can focus on the resources available to us, rather than dwelling on being a victim and staying with the experience of self-pity, anxiety or anger.  

We are likely to access more resources when we focus on developing them. One practice is to build the internal muscle of shifting to being grounded, optimistic, grateful, curious, compassionate and courageous. We can draw on the felt sense of these emotions when we most need these higher-frequency emotions. 

We also can create communities where we support one another as we go through uncertain times and we can enjoy the connections. Research shows how loneliness is more detrimental to our health than smoking cigarettes. We can also connect spiritually to a sense of awe, to nature and possibility. Of course, we benefit from the basics of taking care of our health with sleep, nourishing food, play and rejuvenation. 

It is easy to feel that we are alone and don’t have resources when we are challenged. We can build the habit of recognizing our emotions and resources. I believe that connecting with an internal sense of JOYBeing and taking an Open Stance are essential supports that enable us to be resilient and thrive. As we embody this JOYBeing (a sense of well-being, no matter the circumstance or emotional climate) and openness, we inspire others to do the same and collectively we can address the challenges we face and embrace possibility. 

I have been facilitating Open Stance Circles, where colleagues meet regularly to share how we are being open and support one another with challenges using a peer coaching approach. Participants report being more grounded, aware and connected. This is one example of how small actions can be resources amid life’s challenges. 

What is supporting you during these times? What practices and resources are you finding and developing?

There is no doubt that we experience a lot of stress these days. There is uncertainty about our businesses, health issues, family challenges and how things will turn out. 

We know that stress has been associated with negative effects such as insomnia, heart problems and infertility. It is easy to adopt habits such as overeating or web surfing that don’t really serve us. We can become stressed about how to reduce our stress!

Alia Crum, a researcher at Stanford University has studied the effects of stress on the Navy SEAL Program. She found that once trainees changed their view of stress and understood that stress could be a mechanism they could use to grow, they completed their obstacles and training faster and more effectively than others who maintained the negative damaging view of stress.  

I am reminded of a statement by the Gestalt therapist Fritz Perls, “Fear is excitement without the breath.” We naturally hold our breath when we are fearful or stressed. We hope to  get rid of the feeling. It doesn’t work. However, when we breathe and change our paradigm about stress we can transform our fear or stress into a positive force. 

When I began my career as an organization development consultant and coach, I recall the stress of facilitating a team with the goal of  helping them to become aligned. There were times of conflict when I wondered how a team could work together. I was able to use the moments of uncertainty to harness my focus and be open to what could emerge. My stress actually served me to stay centered, open and grow in confidence.  Many teams benefitted. 

Of course, too much stress can take a toll on us. However, it is worth reframing stress as an opportunity to grow and learn how to manage it. Whether you are a manager, coach, parent or citizen, we know that anything worth achieving will come with some stress. Ask any consultant, parent or entrepreneur who has managed to achieve results. We all face stress in our lives. If we believe we can learn to manage it and grow from it, we can actually build our confidence and skills to be more successful. We can choose to take an Open Stance. 

I attend meetings with other executive and team coaches on a regular basis. We share our experiences as well as what we are learning. I appreciate hearing about others’ cases and staying abreast of developments in the field of leadership and cultural change. 

Recently, someone presented a case and we each shared how we would approach the situation. It was interesting how many different responses there were. People tend to rely on their favorite models and perspectives. Someone suggested that they would offer an in-depth psychological assessment, while others did not have that skill, so had not considered it. It reminded me that we are always making sense out of situations and life based on our background experiences. Of course. We tend not to be aware of our natural biases.  

It is important to keep exposing ourselves to different perspectives and to appreciate the benefit of diverse groups. We need to be open-minded and expand our views. This is especially critical these days when there is so much change and uncertainty. While it is natural to depend on what we know, we need to expand our horizons so we have more choices to address new challenges. Of course, we will build on our wealth of experience.  

Take simple actions to expand your view. Join in regular dialogue and learning with colleagues and people with different backgrounds. Read diverse sources for news and insight. Experiment with new books and resources and continue to be open to learning. 

Make efforts to continue to expand your perspective and engage in conversations with others with the intention to learn. 

Many are experiencing what has been called the “Great Resignation.” For some, this has meant leaving jobs where they did not experience caring, empathy and collaboration. Some have moved locations and others have even changed careers.  Some are “quiet quitting”–reducing their engagement. Some say they have felt immobilized in the face of all the uncertainty. No matter how you have used this time in the world to make decisions, it is still a good time to reflect and ensure you are finding meaning and a sense of purpose. 

It is our nature to want to believe we are fulfilling our values and living a purposeful life. Research has demonstrated that those who have a sense of purpose are likely to have greater longevity. This is an important time to consider what is meaningful to us and how we want to spend our life energy. There are many needs and we can each make a difference in our spheres of influence. 

A good first step is to allow yourself to spend some time in the unknown and live with the question of “What’s next for me?” “What is needed? “What will be meaningful?”  “What do I love doing, studying or being with?” Then simply pay attention to what draws your attention after you set your intention to be open to finding and creating meaning. You may find it useful to journal or work with a coach or a group to reflect. 

There are many avenues and paths we can take. The key is to experience excitement and energy on the path we choose. We are meant to live meaningful lives even during these times of change and uncertainty. 

An antidote to the anxiety associated with the uncertainty we are facing is to identify meaningful action. If we each take small acts of kindness, we can collectively make life better.

I believe emotions are messengers. It is easy to feel stressed these days. Of course, we need to adopt ways of self-regulating and calming ourselves. It is good to know how to breathe deeply and how to focus on gratitude and count our blessings. 

Another way to work with the stress is to listen to what may be needed. First, I awake to notice my internal response. I attend to my emotion of worry and simply recognize and be with the emotion. I then name the emotion and acknowledge that I am experiencing worry, disappointment or fear. Then I reflect on what action could be supportive. I may choose to simply appreciate that some part of me is experiencing the emotion. Sometimes, I choose to take action or engage in a conversation. For example, I am taking opportunities to encourage people to take an Open Stance and to check their mindset and take action to inspire and encourage others. These are small acts, yet even small acts of kindness can make a difference.

We close when our nervous system becomes unregulated and it is difficult to stay open and present. There are so many reasons that we are likely to close these days. David Rock, of the NeuroLeadership Institute, identifies ways our nervous system universally reacts using the acronym SCARF. Research shows that we naturally react, judge and become closed when any of these areas is challenged. S is for status. We easily react when someone jumps in front of us in line. This can be when a colleague gets a promotion that we expected, when someone does not respect our role or someone literally jumps in front of us in line at the bus stop. C is our need for certainty. Of course, with the pandemic and other current disruptions of polarization, rise in crime and climate challenges, we naturally close to protect ourselves as we feel groundless and a lack of certainty. A is for autonomy. When we feel our choices are limited, even when a familiar road is closed we easily react. R is for relationships. If we feel thwarted or left out is it easy to become judgmental and closed. Finally F is for fairness. We naturally notice when we sense an unfair call either on the field, at work or in our family and naturally react, becoming closed and judgmental.  

It is useful to understand that reacting, judging and closing is a natural human response. We react to protect ourselves. However, we then limit access to our prefrontal cortex and our ability to see options and possibilities. Our decision-making ability is limited. We are likely to cut people off and say things that impact relationships and that we may regret later. With this understanding, we can learn to be aware of our reactions and to calm ourselves and build the muscle of shifting to being open. We then can be more at choice in how we communicate and the decisions we make. It is a healthier and more joyful way to live. 

We can choose to be more aware of our human reactions and also to be more compassionate and empathetic with others when they naturally contract and react. Can you envision a world where we catch ourselves, have compassion for others and engage in positive and productive conversations? We can each make a difference in our spheres of influence 

Notice patterns of closing in yourself and others and practice shifting to being open. 

I recently had the opportunity to enjoy an outdoor dinner with friends I had not seen in several years since COVID. It was great to reconnect with people who feel like family. So many of us are experiencing a sense of isolation these days. While we may interact with many people on Zoom, it is easy to feel alone.

A coaching client recently explored with me her sense of loneliness. Like many of us, Sally, an executive with a demanding role, has been very busy with her career, her children and even aging parents. Creating friendships has not been a focus.

Another client, who recently retired, told me he was surprised how his phone has stopped ringing and it seems that his work friends have moved on or forgotten about him. This is a common phenomenon. People are busy and move on with their lives.

A friend of mine, who is in her 90’s, also feels isolated since many of her outings with friends have been curtailed by COVID. One advantage she has is that she has several close friends that she speaks with daily. These were friendships formed early in her career that became more than just work friends. They had invested time with each other, gone on trips together and visited each other’s homes. They are benefitting from long friendships at this stage of their lives.

While we have a lot of variance, we are social beings who benefit from interacting with others. It is important to invest in relationships. It is valuable to make time for connecting with people who have similar interests and also to expand our circle of connections.

How are you investing in building friendships?