Category Archives: Building Rapport

Build Social Trust—Be Neighborly

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We are facing many challenges these days. An underlying issue is a decrease in social trust. Studies show that there has been a decrease in trust of government, media, religious and major social institutions in America and elsewhere. While most see a decline in people being reliable and able to fulfill their obligations, according to Pew Research Center, 8 out of 10 Americans think that social trust can be repaired.

Where do we begin? We can each choose to take an open stance and take action to make life better for others. We can commit to being a friendly neighbor and a supportive community member.  What could happen if we each used our skills, talents and passion to consciously make a difference for our colleagues, community and others? Simply acknowledging and listening to others, even when they have different views could create a more positive environment.  When we show that we care and desire peace, doors will open. 

We are polarized with divergent political views and different areas of focus. However, we can come together as neighbors and work collectively on projects such as supporting youth or cleaning a park of litter and planting flowers. We can experience our common ground of wanting safe and life-enhancing communities—even when we have different world views.

David Brooks joined with the Aspen Institute to initiate the Weaver movement to repair the country’s social fabric, which is frayed by distrust, division and exclusion.

“People are quietly working across America to end loneliness and isolation and weave inclusive communities.” The organization collects inspiring stories of success. Brooks encourages people to join in “shifting our culture from hyper-individualism that is all about personal success, to relationalism that puts relationships at the center of our lives.” This is the kind of effort that I envision people choosing an open stance to take.

There are many stresses we are facing and we naturally become fatigued. Many are isolated and feel alone. Whether you start a global community development program or visit an elderly neighbor, we can each do our part to build positive and productive relationships and make life better for all.  When you reach out you will most likely receive more than you give. It is rewarding to experience community connection. It will take all of us to contribute.

What can you do to build trust and be neighborly and a supportive community member today?

Are You Creating an Environment of Respect?

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A senior leadership team was surprised to see negative scores on an employee engagement survey. I conducted focus groups and confidential interviews to learn more. Like many organizations, the company had gone through significant changes and restructurings and this caused uncertainty.  However, the thing that seemed to be at the core of the negative scores was the experience of a lack of inclusion or respect. People did not feel that their managers cared about them or listened and valued them. A climate of distrust had been created where people did not openly speak with one another.

The cost is high when people don’t feel valued. Usually they believe it is because of the way they look or their function or role. When people feel there will be retribution for speaking up even more energy is required to create an open and inclusive environment where people feel engaged.

Just as in any relationship, we need to take stalk of the climate we are creating. Are we respecting others and seeing them as individuals with hopes and needs?  How you can create an open and inclusive environment? Begin by genuinely engaging in conversations to demonstrate interest and respect.

Do Your Colleagues Know You Care?

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“Caring about the happiness of others, we find our own.”—Plato

A highly successful manager told me she was disappointed. She had devoted many years of long days and nights to her organization and felt like she was disposable and not cared for by her boss.  Another person told me that his boss said he could not save his job in a corporate downsizing. He did not feel valued and appreciated for his contribution. Another high achiever does not feel recognized for her extraordinary impact and feels her boss does not really know or care about her.

Unfortunately, these are not isolated events.  I hear complaints from people at all levels saying they don’t feel valued. This lack of genuine care results in frustration and disengagement.  You have heard the statistics by Gallop that employee engagement is less than 35%. They define engagement as “those who are involved in, enthusiastic about and committed to the work and workplace.”

So much energy is wasted when people don’t feel personally valued or cared about.  When we feel we are not valued or seen as an individual, we lose motivation and trust.  Managers can become so focused and pressured for results that it is easy to forget to demonstrate care for colleagues.  We can fail to show we care about family members and friends too.

Reflect on your past bosses.  How was it different for you when you knew your boss cared for you?  A colleague told me he is so much happier and more productive with his new boss who takes a personal interest in who he is and what he wants.  

When people know we care about them a sense of trust and safety evolves. When people know we care about them, we are better positioned to give them direct feedback and we are better positioned to create results together.

How can you demonstrate care?  First make the conscious decision to be caring. Visualize demonstrating care to each person on your team or in your family. It is likely to look different depending on individual styles and needs.  Ask your colleague or family member about how they are doing and show interest in their lives both in the workplace and outside. Be sure to give empathy and work to understand their perspectives. Be vulnerable yourself and share your perspective and share developments that are happening in the organization. Be candid and open yourself.  Take time to connect. 

Reflect on your colleagues and others. How are you showing you care?

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Build rapport to meaningfully connect with others

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Have the intention of connecting with people by building rapport and finding common ground with them. Build rapport before launching into giving feedback or stating a need. People who are socially adept find this process easy and natural. Others say that they don’t find what they may call “small talk” easy.

Building rapport helps the person you are talking with to feel at ease and open to you and the conversation. By smiling and showing some interest, you help others feel safe and understand that you are not likely to hurt them. Inquire about or share information about something you have in common. Topics could be the weather, the commute, sports, children, vacations, something happening in the news, a company development, or health.

In workshops, I ask people to share something about themselves with the group. As we share about ourselves, we are a bit vulnerable. Invariably, in these brief conversations, participants begin to build rapport and feel connected. We often feel alone or feel that others don’t connect with what we do. When we build rapport, we feel less alone and more connected with others. It is human nature to feel connected when we have shared a similar experience.

One participant felt connected with someone who went to his high school, even though they had never met and went at different times. They felt they shared similar experiences. We want to be understood. Even on small issues, having some shared experiences helps us feel understood and see another as more of a friend than a foe.

We look for these connections naturally. When we first meet someone, we look for common ground. For instance, when we learn we both have young children, we relax a bit since we feel more understood by this stranger. Strangers can easily talk about the weather since both are experiencing it. Even a brief comment about how nice it is finally to see the arrival of spring creates a sense of connection in an elevator conversation.

Find something you have in common with others. The following conversation openers will help:

  • Do you come from a large family?
  • Do you like action movies?
  • Did you see the television show last night; can you believe the news?
  • How about that player and sports team?
  • I understand from Joe that you love photography, too.
  • It sounds like your children have the same musical interest as mine.
  • I see from the bag you’re carrying that you also go shopping at….
  • Do you like my shoes?

You don’t always have to build rapport immediately before an OASIS Conversation. If you make the effort to talk with a person and connect with her regularly, then when it is time for your conversation, the other person will already know you are friendly. If a power differential exists between you—you are the person’s manager, for example—remember to show interest in the other person. You will appear more human and show respect for the other person. People notice managers who show no interest in them and only see staff members as tools for getting work done; then they have less energy for supporting the manager.

How do you determine how much small talk is useful? Pay attention to the other person’s behavior. Some people only like a little small talk before they will start to squirm or switch the subject to work matters. Follow their cue. Others will not seem relaxed and need more conversation to build rapport. Notice when a shift in energy occurs; then it is okay to shift subjects. This skill can be learned by carefully observing others.

This excerpt was taken from my book OASIS Conversations.

Questions on the OASIS process and on building rapport? Contact us at www.Potentials.com

Take Time to Connect

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An executive I coached was involved in high stress meetings from 8 to 8 each day.  He was known to be hot headed and exploded in anger often.  He was so busy that he remained task focused and failed to connect with people. He rarely shared anything personal and the environment he created was tense.  Team members failed to speak with him candidly in the face of his stress and anger.

He became a new person with a few simple changes.  He learned that by taking a few minutes to inquire about a person and be genuinely interested that he no longer had to question them harshly. When his team members felt safe and genuinely cared about, they freely shared developments and concerns.  He also shared more openly about his personal life and interests outside of work. People began to see him as a person and were more responsive. To his surprise, he enjoyed talking about his interests in sports and movies and felt more connected. Building rapport is essential.

Next he learned to notice and catch his reactions. He was able to pause rather than react and then be more at choice. He could give empathy or ask questions rather than yelling or telling. This worked a lot more smoothly and saved time and energy for all.  Noticing and managing our reactions is critical.

Finally, he began to notice energy.  When he was just thinking and focused on a task and not paying attention to others it felt like he was trying to achieve a goal in the dark.  When he remembered to pay attention to the relationship and was more present, it was like a light was on and the goal could be accomplished much more easily. Checking-in to assess our energy and the group’s energy is useful.  He took care of himself and maintained his energy by going to the gym, sleeping more, eating well and engaging in his interests. Reminding ourselves of our intention and how we support our energy is valuable.

With a clear intention and practice, he was able to build new habits and neural pathways that supported his new behavior. People were supportive of his shift and the team and organization benefited.

We all benefit from focusing on both tasks and relationships. Connection gives us the energy to achieve our goals together effectively, efficiently and enjoyably.

Build Rapport to Allow for Better Understanding

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oasis_share_04Excerpted from: OASIS Conversations: Leading with and Open Mindset to Maximize Potential

Have the intention of connecting with people by building rapport and finding common ground with them. Build rapport before launching into giving feedback or stating a need. People who are socially adept find this process easy and natural. Others say that they don’t find what they may call “small talk” easy.

Building rapport helps the person you are talking with to feel at ease and open to you and the conversation. By smiling and showing some interest, you help others feel safe and understand that you are not likely to hurt them. Inquire about or share information about something you have in common. Topics could be the weather, the commute, sports, children, vacations, something happening in the news, a company development, or health.

In workshops, I ask people to share something about themselves with the group. As we share about ourselves, we are a bit vulnerable. Invariably, in these brief conversations, participants begin to build rapport and feel connected. We often feel alone or feel that others don’t connect with what we do. When we build rapport, we feel less alone and more connected with others. Continue reading →