I attend meetings with other executive and team coaches on a regular basis. We share our experiences as well as what we are learning. I appreciate hearing about others’ cases and staying abreast of developments in the field of leadership and cultural change. 

Recently, someone presented a case and we each shared how we would approach the situation. It was interesting how many different responses there were. People tend to rely on their favorite models and perspectives. Someone suggested that they would offer an in-depth psychological assessment, while others did not have that skill, so had not considered it. It reminded me that we are always making sense out of situations and life based on our background experiences. Of course. We tend not to be aware of our natural biases.  

It is important to keep exposing ourselves to different perspectives and to appreciate the benefit of diverse groups. We need to be open-minded and expand our views. This is especially critical these days when there is so much change and uncertainty. While it is natural to depend on what we know, we need to expand our horizons so we have more choices to address new challenges. Of course, we will build on our wealth of experience.  

Take simple actions to expand your view. Join in regular dialogue and learning with colleagues and people with different backgrounds. Read diverse sources for news and insight. Experiment with new books and resources and continue to be open to learning. 

Make efforts to continue to expand your perspective and engage in conversations with others with the intention to learn. 

Many are experiencing what has been called the “Great Resignation.” For some, this has meant leaving jobs where they did not experience caring, empathy and collaboration. Some have moved locations and others have even changed careers.  Some are “quiet quitting”–reducing their engagement. Some say they have felt immobilized in the face of all the uncertainty. No matter how you have used this time in the world to make decisions, it is still a good time to reflect and ensure you are finding meaning and a sense of purpose. 

It is our nature to want to believe we are fulfilling our values and living a purposeful life. Research has demonstrated that those who have a sense of purpose are likely to have greater longevity. This is an important time to consider what is meaningful to us and how we want to spend our life energy. There are many needs and we can each make a difference in our spheres of influence. 

A good first step is to allow yourself to spend some time in the unknown and live with the question of “What’s next for me?” “What is needed? “What will be meaningful?”  “What do I love doing, studying or being with?” Then simply pay attention to what draws your attention after you set your intention to be open to finding and creating meaning. You may find it useful to journal or work with a coach or a group to reflect. 

There are many avenues and paths we can take. The key is to experience excitement and energy on the path we choose. We are meant to live meaningful lives even during these times of change and uncertainty. 

An antidote to the anxiety associated with the uncertainty we are facing is to identify meaningful action. If we each take small acts of kindness, we can collectively make life better.

I believe emotions are messengers. It is easy to feel stressed these days. Of course, we need to adopt ways of self-regulating and calming ourselves. It is good to know how to breathe deeply and how to focus on gratitude and count our blessings. 

Another way to work with the stress is to listen to what may be needed. First, I awake to notice my internal response. I attend to my emotion of worry and simply recognize and be with the emotion. I then name the emotion and acknowledge that I am experiencing worry, disappointment or fear. Then I reflect on what action could be supportive. I may choose to simply appreciate that some part of me is experiencing the emotion. Sometimes, I choose to take action or engage in a conversation. For example, I am taking opportunities to encourage people to take an Open Stance and to check their mindset and take action to inspire and encourage others. These are small acts, yet even small acts of kindness can make a difference.

We close when our nervous system becomes unregulated and it is difficult to stay open and present. There are so many reasons that we are likely to close these days. David Rock, of the NeuroLeadership Institute, identifies ways our nervous system universally reacts using the acronym SCARF. Research shows that we naturally react, judge and become closed when any of these areas is challenged. S is for status. We easily react when someone jumps in front of us in line. This can be when a colleague gets a promotion that we expected, when someone does not respect our role or someone literally jumps in front of us in line at the bus stop. C is our need for certainty. Of course, with the pandemic and other current disruptions of polarization, rise in crime and climate challenges, we naturally close to protect ourselves as we feel groundless and a lack of certainty. A is for autonomy. When we feel our choices are limited, even when a familiar road is closed we easily react. R is for relationships. If we feel thwarted or left out is it easy to become judgmental and closed. Finally F is for fairness. We naturally notice when we sense an unfair call either on the field, at work or in our family and naturally react, becoming closed and judgmental.  

It is useful to understand that reacting, judging and closing is a natural human response. We react to protect ourselves. However, we then limit access to our prefrontal cortex and our ability to see options and possibilities. Our decision-making ability is limited. We are likely to cut people off and say things that impact relationships and that we may regret later. With this understanding, we can learn to be aware of our reactions and to calm ourselves and build the muscle of shifting to being open. We then can be more at choice in how we communicate and the decisions we make. It is a healthier and more joyful way to live. 

We can choose to be more aware of our human reactions and also to be more compassionate and empathetic with others when they naturally contract and react. Can you envision a world where we catch ourselves, have compassion for others and engage in positive and productive conversations? We can each make a difference in our spheres of influence 

Notice patterns of closing in yourself and others and practice shifting to being open. 

I recently had the opportunity to enjoy an outdoor dinner with friends I had not seen in several years since COVID. It was great to reconnect with people who feel like family. So many of us are experiencing a sense of isolation these days. While we may interact with many people on Zoom, it is easy to feel alone.

A coaching client recently explored with me her sense of loneliness. Like many of us, Sally, an executive with a demanding role, has been very busy with her career, her children and even aging parents. Creating friendships has not been a focus.

Another client, who recently retired, told me he was surprised how his phone has stopped ringing and it seems that his work friends have moved on or forgotten about him. This is a common phenomenon. People are busy and move on with their lives.

A friend of mine, who is in her 90’s, also feels isolated since many of her outings with friends have been curtailed by COVID. One advantage she has is that she has several close friends that she speaks with daily. These were friendships formed early in her career that became more than just work friends. They had invested time with each other, gone on trips together and visited each other’s homes. They are benefitting from long friendships at this stage of their lives.

While we have a lot of variance, we are social beings who benefit from interacting with others. It is important to invest in relationships. It is valuable to make time for connecting with people who have similar interests and also to expand our circle of connections.

How are you investing in building friendships? 

Like you, I have had many life experiences and have learned that it is not a good idea to trust everyone, all the time. I have experienced disappointment in others and a sense of betrayal. At those times, my instinct was to become closed and hold back from further trusting.

However, I have also found that beginning or staying with a closed stance of distrust has not served me. When I am too self-protective and defensive I don’t see the whole picture and there is little chance of resolving issues. I realize that based on my experience and background I interpret how things “should” be. Of course, everyone has had a different upbringing and experiences that color their view of how things “should” be and their interpretation. When we stay stuck in polarization, little opportunity emerges. There are so many issues where we are closed and mistrusting of one another these days and we don’t approach understanding or creating shared solutions that are so needed.

I have come to believe that most people I interact with are doing the best they can based on their experiences and that I can be open and curious to learn more. This does not mean that I hand over my money or trust to anyone. I still do research and pay attention to my intuition and be alert to actions and results.

I have learned that it is useful to start with an Open Stance and to be curious and open to learning. I can always become more cautious and change my behavior as I learn more.  Luckily, I have the OASIS Conversation skills to support me in talking to people to share my perspective and to be open to learning theirs.  When I take an Open Stance and  “assume positive intent”, we most often come to a satisfactory connection and resolution.

However, if I start off a relationship or even a conversation by being closed and untrusting, it is much harder to find common ground and satisfaction.  I know that emotions are contagious. My openness, curiosity and compassion allow space for understanding.

Of course, we need to be attentive. I vote for starting with an Open Stance and giving others a chance. It has served me to take this approach. I have saved many relationships and experienced the benefit of connecting with many different perspectives. I have had the gift of seeing many teams and relationships benefit from this embodied mindset.

Experiment with trusting a bit more and starting to be open and curious in a relationship or a conversation rather than starting with a closed-stance.

So many of us are experiencing grief. We lament how life has changed in recent years. We are experiencing the uncertainty of the future. There are so many challenges ahead of us.

A friend of mine, who was active a few weeks ago, is bedridden and can’t do much for herself. Another is experiencing the loss of a family member, and others are the loss of important relationships. A parent tells me how her child is growing and her sense of family connection has changed. An elderly person grieves because he doesn’t have the same capacity to achieve goals and doesn’t feel like he is contributing to the world. People are missing the connections of colleagues they once experienced at work, as well as the sense of a doable pace of work. Others are suffering due to climate change resulting in flooding and fires. We see the impact of war, isolation, and big and small changes.

We know that things are always changing and will be different. It is easy to want to distract ourselves, so we do not have to feel the pain or sadness as things change. We stay busy or procrastinate, eat, blame others, engage in social media, overwork, and watch TV to avoid our grief. However, when we do not become aware of our experience and attend to our emotions, we put our energy into resisting what is. It is like holding down a beach ball under the ocean. It takes our strength and energy. Instead, if we let go of our holding and resisting, the ball could flow easily.

It is easy to want to avoid feeling the loss of what once was or what we hoped for. Ironically, when we face our disappointments, and acknowledge and accept our emotions, we are in a much better place to see possibilities and to take action. I know that it is not fun to feel our sadness, disappointment, or grief.  However, when we name our emotions and accept them, we are better positioned to be choiceful in our next steps.

In fact, we are able to experience more joy when we awaken to, attend and accept our full range of emotions. It takes intention and practice to embrace our humanness and the whole of life, yet it is worth the effort. In addition, appreciating current moments and savoring what we enjoy, knowing that we can’t hold onto things is valuable. Have hope that when we accept our grief, we will embrace our hope for the future. We will be more confident in our actions. Ideally, we will inspire others to do the same on this life journey. We need to recognize that we are all experiencing challenges and a range of emotions.

Take a moment to awaken to what is happening and accept ‘what is.’ Attend to your emotions, accept and name them. Identify possibilities and then take action. Above all, be kind to yourself and others.

It is easy to notice what colleagues and others in our life do “wrong”. We naturally have a view of how things “should” be done based on our experiences and conditioning. After all, we have been successful doing things our way.  It is natural to become judgmental toward others and ourselves when we believe something is not correct. Our instinct may be to criticize, judge and turn away. This reaction does not generally serve us.

Think about it. When someone criticizes or judges you, how do you respond? Most likely, you become defensive-whether you share your reaction directly or not. Your energy is spent on justifying your behavior and often making the other wrong. A negative cycle has begun–and can last for a long time as we repeat the story we are telling ourselves and our emotions strengthen.

Of course, we need to notice our reaction in these moments, Stop, Step back and cool down, then Shift to being open and curious. We can look for what we can learn as well as the opportunities in a situation. Perhaps we will collectively identify a more efficient process or even strengthen our relationship after an honest conversation.

It is useful to focus on giving positive recognition to people in our life when things are going as we hope. When we thank a person for going the extra mile or for working collaboratively with colleagues they learn what is important to us. Positive reinforcement strengthens behavior.

Make it a practice to appreciate and recognize positive behaviors that will support your team, family and community. We can all use some positive acknowledgment these days.

It seems natural to notice what we consider the negative qualities in others. Even if we don’t say anything directly, others are likely to detect our judgment or lack of support.

A useful practice is to notice what is going well in a relationship, experience appreciation and express gratitude. Your partner or colleague is often on time, is considerate, takes out the trash, gives you empathy and is a strong listener. Rather than take these positive attributes for granted, notice them and experience gratitude for these actions. Then, thank your partner or colleague for this behavior. Be specific. “I really appreciate how you took the time to hear how upset I was about the presentation. It meant a lot to me to receive your empathy and care. I am glad to be working with you.” Of course, you need to say this in words that are authentic for you. Do not express such appreciation if it is not real. Take the time to notice and be thankful.

When you notice and appreciate others’ strengths, it reinforces that behavior and helps them to know what is important to you. They are more likely to continue the positive action. 

“We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.” – Buddha

Why do you have most of what you dreamed about–maybe a good career, family, friends and a safe home and yet still not be joyful?  My clients report many reasons—they feel stressed, overwhelmed and are facing the uncertainty in the world these days.  Yes.  Emotions are contagious, and there are many reasons to feel down and stressed these days.

Is it even possible to live from a place of joy? Yes, we can be open to the life force within us and experience wellbeing or JOYBeing.

We need to set our intention to be open and to experience joy. We can then begin to notice moments of joy, such as seeing a beautiful sunset or hearing the laugh of a child, and savoring these moments. When we savor small moments of joy, we build the mental muscle of noticing more joy.

We can check-in on our self-talk and notice our predominant emotions. Are you telling yourself that things will never work out and you will never get ahead or are you appreciating what is working and all that you are and have?

What behaviors are supporting joy? We know that when we take care of ourselves by getting enough sleep, having healthy eating habits and exercising we are better able to manage stress and can be more receptive to JOYBeing. We can also engage in actions that bring us joy such as listening to music, being with friends and engaging in hobbies.

Another strategy is to stop waiting to be joyful when… you have a better job, have a kid, move, achieve that project, etc.  Instead, focus on what is going well now and let yourself experience the joy of this moment.  We can notice our internal talk and trust that we and things are good enough. Many of us are so hard on ourselves. Instead, we can focus on being self-compassionate. Rather than seeing joy as a destination, allow JOYBeing to be your partner on this journey of life. Can you allow joy now?

Finally, recognize that when you experience JOYBeing, you positively influence those around you. What can be better than knowing that you are making a difference through your presence.

Set your intention to experience JOYBeing and take action to do so.