Tag Archives: Open-minded

The Power of Respect

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As an executive and team coach and organization development consultant, I have continually found a core challenge is that people don’t feel respected and don’t have the skills to effectively talk with each other about their concerns. As a third party, I can see where each person’s view makes sense to them. It is so easy to interpret actions as disrespectful and a cascade of reactions creates a negative and untrustworthy environment. The tension takes energy away from productivity and meaningful impact.

A study found that disrespect made people feel less motivated. 68% cut back on their work efforts; 80% lost time worrying about the behavior and 12% left their job. (Porath, 2016, Mastering Civility).  Other studies showed that those who witness disrespect also have significant decreases in performance (Porath & Erez, 2009). Another study found that those who are seen as respectful were twice as likely to be viewed as leaders and performed significantly better.

Emotions are contagious. Disrespect spreads quickly through a team, family, or community. Everyone wants to feel respected and it can spread too if we each do our part to intentionally create an open, positive and welcoming environment.

It is useful to recognize our natural implicit bias. We are primed to see us and them.  Our body releases hormones that lead us to trust those who are more like us. We easily attribute negative motives to those who appear to be different. We can intentionally widen our circles to include a broader group. We can set our intention to be open to others including those with different views, styles and appearance.

We know that we can build neural pathways that support us in being kind and respectful. I set the intention to take an open stance each day. A simple action is to develop your curiosity muscle. I encourage workshop participants to practice saying, “I am curious… tell me more about….  With a genuine open mindset and interest in others, they report amazing results. This simple intention allows people to be heard and valued—something we all need to feel respected.

Another practice suggested by Valerie Kaur is to begin to see people as “no stranger”. As you see people you don’t know, allow yourself to be curious and open to them. She internally calls them brother, sister, aunt, and uncle as she sees people. We can bring people into our inner circle. With this habit we can rewire our brains to see no stranger.

When we are open, we recognize that everyone is facing life’s challenges and we are in this together.

I encourage leaders and teams I work with to reflect on what helps them to feel respected and what they are doing to uplift others. It is often simple things that make a difference in helping people to feel valued, appreciated and heard. Consider thanking people, sharing credit, acknowledging others, showing interest, giving empathy, and greeting others in a friendly tone.

It is easier to connect with others when we find commonalities. Consider looking for at least three areas that you have in common with others. It could be areas of interest, the kinds of things you do for fun, the shows you enjoy or that you are dealing with aging parents or trying to garden, that you studied at the same school, etc. Enjoy learning more about each other.

How could our workplaces, homes and communities change if we each made the commitment to be open to others and to show respect?  Consider the following actions:

  • Reflect and share what actions help you to feel respected and the actions you are taking to lift others up by being respectful.
  • Identify areas of commonality with others to support connection.
  • Envision expanding your circle of us.

Take an Open Stance in the Face of Polarization

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No doubt, you are experiencing the challenges of polarization. Family members, coworkers, and community participants are dumbfounded by people with different views.  People are severing relationships with those on different sides of views on mask-wearing, climate policy, structural injustice, health care and economic strategies.

We truly wonder how people can be seeing things so differently. We see no common ground.  We are getting different facts from different news sources and the algorithms of social media usher in views that help to solidify our perspectives.  Confirmation bias strengthens our neural pathways and we believe we are right. Others in our circle further strengthen our view and enhance the polarization.

The last thing we want to do is engage in open-minded conversations. Yet, this is what is needed more than ever. I encourage leaders I coach and those in my workshops to consciously work to expand their experiences and knowledge. We each naturally have blind spots and we see the world through our background conditioning. If you only listen to one brand of media, you will continue to confirm your view. Sure, that is comforting. However, we need leaders who will take an open stance and listen and work to understand where others are coming from and what they are seeing.  In my experience, when we engage in conversations with the intent to give, empathy and understanding solutions often readily emerge.

How do we take an open stance? First, we need to make the intention to be open. Then when we are surprised or angered by a different point of view, we need to recognize our judgment signal and stop, step back and cool down.  If you look closely you will find a somatic signal such as a tightening in your stomach or chest. You can cool down by simply taking a few deep breaths, taking a walk, engaging in something that relaxes you, etc. The key is to know how to shift into an open curious state. There are many ways to do this. One that I prefer is to recall a time when I was open such as when being in nature or with a loved one. With this simple move your body shifts to being open. You will feel more receptive and so will your previous opponent.

Emotions are contagious. When others sense that you are actually open to understanding, you are likely to engage in an interesting and meaningful conversation. I share more about how to have positive and productive conversations in my book, blog and course called OASIS Conversations. Ideally, we shift from the arid desert of polarization to the aliveness and possibility of an oasis.

Commit to an open stance and engage in conversations to create shared solutions.

What Path Do You Choose?

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Drawing by Ann Van Eron

Alice always sees what is going wrong or what can go wrong. While she is a bright and interesting person she feels alone. She has alienated people with her negative disposition. When I asked her to share a few things that are going well she said she would need time to reflect since she habitually saw the negative.

We all have habitual patterns that are so automatic that we don’t see or believe that we have a choice. At one point it had served Alice to see what could go wrong. She was able to anticipate and prepare. This served her greatly in her early childhood where she could ask for what she wanted and get the help she needed and also in her career—to a point. Her early bosses knew that she was reliable and she would produce impeccable reports. However, as she progressed in her career her negativity and pressure to have things a certain way caused her to turn people off.  She failed to perceive that her negativity is what caused people to not want to work with her. Instead, she tended to think that it was the others who were not bright, capable or as hardworking.

I worked with Alice to build another path. Her well-worn neural pathway of negativity activated her amygdala and caused her to react with anxiety and employ fight and flight strategies. When she noticed her contraction she could use it as a signal to shift to another pathway and look for what was positive and what she appreciates in the moment.  In addition, she reflected each day on what she was grateful for. This was not an easy new path to develop but after a short time she learned how to make the shift and activate the polyvagal nerve which released oxytocin.  Literally, a different part of the brain is activated and she experienced more ease and relaxation.

Over time, Alice reported a better quality of life with more positivity and greater connection. We all have habitual patterns where we can learn new paths for greater well-being. And our well-being influences those around us. 

What new pathway can you begin developing today?

Multiple Realities

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Multiple_RealitiesOur upbringing and experiences influence how we see the world, our mindset and how we behave.  We each interpret things in a different way. When someone challenges our perspective we easily become defensive and argue for why our view is correct.

These days we are seeing polarization not just politically but in organizations where there are tensions between various offices and between management and the field and between functions and other dimensions.

Are our differences fully a function of our conditioning?  John Hibbing, a researcher and political scientist at the University of Nebraska-Lincoln suggests that the partisan divide in the U.S. might arise not just from our upbringing and background but from our biology.

His research suggests that just as we may be born with a disposition to be introverted or extraverted or left or right-handed, there are psychological differences between liberals and conservatives. He is co-author of the book, “Predisposed: Liberals, Conservatives, and the Biology of Political Differences.”

His research suggests that liberals and conservatives have different temperaments. For example, conservatives tend to be tidy and have more things such as sports memorabilia in their homes while liberals tend to have more experiential things like books and diverse CDs.

Hibbing suggests that liberals and conservatives differ in how they see threats and dangers. If someone sees the world as more threatening, they may support self-protection, spending more on defense and managing immigration. Liberals may not perceive the same level of threat and are more opposed to such measures.

Each tends to judge the other group as obtuse and biased. But what if we accepted that people are truly seeing the world differently based on temperament and experience? Brain research supports that we have unique structures which cause us to perceive differently. Higgins and his group did a study to show that people even smell substances differently. You can hear more in an interview of Hibbing at https://www.npr.org/podcasts/510308/hidden-brain

What if we could recall that there are multiple realities and people are always seeing the world differently? Could we then focus on how to find common ground and work together for the benefit of all rather than devoting our energy to fighting each other and working to prove our way is correct?

A client who is an extravert found herself irritated with her introverted colleague and argued that he should be more direct and that her way was the “right way.” However, after accepting their unique temperaments, they were able to recognize each other’s needs and come to agreement on how to communicate and create a positive environment.

I envision a time when we notice our differences, give ourselves and others empathy and then shift to being open minded. We could then engage in creative conversations to find solutions that honor our differences and create a better world. It won’t be easy and we will have to catch our judgment. However, we have a lot to achieve together.

Take a step to appreciate our multiple realities and speak to someone with a different view.  What do you have in common and where is there common ground to listen to one another and create joint solutions?

Advocate for Open-Minded Conversations at all Levels

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Open-Minded_Conversations

“Alone we can do so little; together we can do so much.”—Helen Keller

A leader told me that he was excited about a big new initiative for his company. The board supported the new direction, which he believed would result in increased market share and exponential success for the company. He asked me to facilitate a team retreat to work on implementation.

In preparation for the meeting, I spoke with participants to learn about their views about the new initiative and what was needed to proceed. It became clear that not everyone was on board and that it would be a challenge to gain support from the various roles. This is not an unusual finding. Often, the senior team has been so involved planning a new initiative that they fail to realize the process for creating alignment. It cannot occur by broadcasting the change and expecting people to joyfully make the change. We know that approximately 70% of change initiatives fail. A primary reason cited is resistance to change. In reality, it is because people have not engaged in real open-minded conversations. Often people see the problems with new initiatives and are genuinely concerned about the well-being of clients, staff and the organization. People see things that the senior leaders do not. Senior executives forget that they have a different perspective and have been living with the challenge for some time.

To create real change people need to understand and embrace the new way. It is important to have meaningful conversations around the current state and to agree on the urgency for transformation. This is best done in an open and safe environment where people can share their views and genuinely listen to one another. Ideally, key people and groups collectively understand why a shift is needed now and the implications of doing nothing. Given the disruptions in the marketplace the need for transformation becomes compelling.

With the need for transformation established and the benefit of open-minded listening to the various stakeholders, the group is ready to establish a shared vision that can be the leverage for upcoming changes.

When people feel respected and that they are heard and aligned with a direction, the implementation flows more smoothly. Those impacted by the change have energy for developing and implementing change because they are involved in the conversation.

I have been fortunate to facilitate many leadership retreats and stakeholder conversations and experience the sense of magic and energy when people do engage in open-minded conversations and create a direction together. It is palpable to see the energy released for transformational change. Organizations embark on new endeavors and relationships are enhanced and become more productive. People learn to “assume positive intent” and not to make people wrong for their views. During these times of disruption, no one can create a real impact alone. We need each other’s strengths and diverse perspectives.

I encourage you to advocate for open-minded conversations at all levels—among leadership teams, across units, with clients and between colleagues. I introduce the OASIS Conversation process in organizations to foster meaningful dialogue.

A colleague and I are offering a workshop on how strategic use of a leadership retreat can launch transformational change for your department, business or organization and your career in Chicago on June 25. Find out more about the retreat here.