Empathize for Connection

Posted on September 21, 2021 by Ann Van Eron

So many people are continuing to have conflicts with family members, coworkers and neighbors about being vaccinated or wearing a mask. It’s not easy to navigate. Using the OASIS Conversation skills has saved relationships. For example, Jeri faced a big family dilemma. Her brother Jim, who chose not to be vaccinated, was feeling isolated and not supported by his family as he prepared for his upcoming wedding. Jeri and several of her siblings did not feel comfortable having Jim and his fiancé visit them and their children. They debated if they would attend the wedding. The tension grew among the family members with people taking different positions. After Jeri and her siblings avoided Jim they worried about losing the relationship altogether. On a family group text Jim wrote, “It would be nice to have some support as I plan my wedding” and signed it as “unsupported”. The whole family was suffering amid the turmoil.

While it is our instinct to tell someone with a different view why they are wrong or to not engage, Jeri had the courage to listen. She was able to receive empathy herself from colleagues as she shared her frustration and worry. With this understanding, she was able to shift from being judgmental to curious.

She called her brother and instead of berating him as she felt like doing, she was able to shift from being closed to open. At first her brother was quite defensive and expected her to tell him and his fiancé they were wrong for not being vaccinated. Instead, she said she genuinely was interested in hearing his point of view. While at first surprised and hesitant, he began to share his concerns. Jeri continued to listen and give empathy. For example, she paraphrased and said, “I recognize how sincerely you have thought this through and how it is difficult for you to go against the family and that you feel isolated and not supported.” She continued to listen. “It must be difficult for you since your fiancé’s family does not feel comfortable with being vaccinated.” Jeri noticed that Jim relaxed when he felt heard. Jeri felt excited to reconnect with her brother and this ultimately supported the family’s unity.

While they remained with different perspectives, Jim closed by asking Jeri more about her view and said that he could understand her perspective and that he would be open to considering his choice. Jeri was surprised and welcomed his openness. She offered to help with the wedding planning from a distance.

It is natural to hold our position on an issue when we feel defensive and do not believe others are interested in our point of view. Research supports that when we can be calm and open and really listen with empathy, we are more likely to find common ground and enhance relationships. With genuine listening and empathy, we can clarify what is most important. Jeri and Jim learned that they both value their family connection.

Practice taking an Open Stance and shift from being closed to open and listen for understanding and connection. Explore the OASIS Conversations process for positive and productive relationships.

Benefits of an Open Mindset and Open Stance

Posted on August 30, 2021 by Ann Van Eron

Vital benefits of an open mindset and open stance are that you will experience more aliveness, more positive emotions, and better health and wellbeing. Operating with an open mindset enhances our experience and success in life. Most importantly, having an open mindset and stance enhances the quality of our relationships and connections with others. We are naturally more attracted to open people than those who seem to know it all and are self-focused. For example, so-called experts may have little patience with others whom they perceive as less knowledgeable, and thus, they may seem inaccessible or closed. Intentionally or not, they shut people out. Another example we can all relate to is how when we are stressed by deadlines and pressure to get something done, it is harder to be patient and open to others. People sense our stress and lack of tolerance and may shy away and label us closed. On the other hand, when people sense that managers and colleagues are open to new ideas, feedback, and even criticism, they are likely to be more engaged and experience greater satisfaction.

In a project called Aristotle, Google studied many teams to find out the keys to high performance. They discovered the differentiating factor was that people were more engaged and more trusting when they felt psychological safety. This safety resulted from leaders and team members being open to one another, listening to different ideas without judgment. Members of Google’s high-performing teams indicated that they felt they could express their views and opinions and take risks without fear of negative repercussions. When a team member feels their ideas are shut down, they don’t feel valued, respected, or recognized, and they are hesitant to speak up freely in the future. This hurts the team climate and positive relationships. When most people work in teams with various locations, functions, and differences, trust and openness are critical to creating positive and productive cultures and environments where innovation is possible.

When we are closed-minded, we quickly consider ourselves an expert and easily discount new or different information. History is replete with examples of how well-meaning people did not pay attention or adopt new ways of doing things. Many were slow to validate that the world is round, the value of penicillin, or the importance of washing hands to avoid the spread of illnesses in hospitals. Experts simply felt they knew better, so they discounted different ways and appeared closed-minded. When we are open-minded, we freely admit we don’t know what we don’t know and can explore new ideas and perspectives. This openness is quite useful for making effective decisions. Researchers suggest we make thousands of decisions a day. These decisions take energy. When we improve the quality of our decision-making, we can make better decisions and experience positive outcomes. If we have an open mindset, we are likely to consider more aspects of a decision and perhaps be open to others’ views.

After years of studying successful leaders, Al Pittampalli concluded that the archetype of leaders having “strong convictions” of their views and “staying the course” was outdated. He learned that many of the world’s most successful leaders have a willingness to be persuaded—to be open-minded. Many successful leaders build processes where they challenge their thinking and are open to examining new data. They are willing to admit being wrong about an earlier view. In our increasingly complex world, successful leaders see the power of an open mindset and the value of considering emerging evidence to be advantageous.

Besides, people are more inclined to follow open-minded leaders who are willing to be vulnerable and open to change. It is hard to work for a manager who perceives themselves as always right and is not interested in others’ views, thus appearing to be closed. When people feel they are listened to, their ideas are valued, and they are included, then their motivation, engagement, and wellbeing soar. This difference is particularly critical since research by Gallup consistently suggests that as many as two-thirds of US employees are not engaged in their jobs.

Children also feel shut down and less engaged when they perceive that their teachers, parents, and caregivers are not open to hearing their perspectives and providing empathy. Rather than saying, “Because I am your parent, that’s why….”, caregivers can create more positive relationships and respectful environments by being curious, being open to listening, and being open to being influenced.

A sure sign of being an open-minded leader, parent, or influencer is to inquire and genuinely listen to others’ views and gain understanding. We should each seek feedback and recognize that creativity and innovative solutions can come from anywhere. We all need to recognize that we don’t know what we don’t know and could be wrong in order to manage our natural blind spots of assuming we are open when others may perceive we are not. It is also easy for our egos and sense of identity to be tied to being “right.” We need to remember that during these times of uncertainty, no one has all the answers. It is useful to recognize our own and others’ resistance to change as a natural response. When we appreciate that resistance is natural, and we are open to listening, we can address concerns more readily.

-Excerpted from the forthcoming book, Open Stance: Thriving Amid Differences and Uncertainty

Are You Open or Closed?

Posted on August 10, 2021 by Ann Van Eron

It is easy to react and become closed these days given our differences on so many things. While it is natural to contract, we will be more resilient and thrive if we adopt an open mindset and take an open stance.

Our mindset naturally falls on a continuum between closed-minded and open-minded. Of course, we move along the continuum at different times, depending on various issues. When we become more aware, we realize where, when and with whom we typically lean toward closed or open.

The state of being open-minded requires the primary intention to be compassionately curious and respectful toward yourself, others, and the situations or environments we face. It begins with the intent to be open to discovery and learning rather than focusing primarily on safety and avoiding pain. The accepting stance creates awareness of possibilities and mobilizes energy for choices.

Open people are grounded and present to what is. They appreciate current circumstances and are optimistic about what is likely to unfold. They experience gratefulness and are often open to new ideas and inspiration. They share connections with others and can receive support as well as give support to others. An open stance involves being curious and recognizing they only see a slice of the big picture. They are open to learning more and remain confident that possibilities are emerging. They dare to be vulnerable and take risks and to admit they don’t know everything. They welcome diverse and unique perspectives and take respectful actions.

Open-mindedness incorporates what psychologist Carol Dweck calls a growth mindset—an openness to continual learning rather than having a fixed mindset and a desire to maintain current success without making changes. Another element is the ability to be present in the current state. Ellen Langer, a psychologist, has conducted many studies and demonstrated that the simple process of noticing new things enables us to be present, to experience the world with excitement, and to see new opportunities. Often, we are closed, and ironically, we are not there to notice we are not there. When we are open-minded, we seek new ideas and perspectives.

What’s Your Story?

Posted on February 26, 2021 by Ann Van Eron

We are always making assumptions about others, ourselves and our situations. We naturally create stories based on our past experiences as a way of ensuring our safety.

David, a manager, shared with me that team members did not support his ideas and were out to make him look bad. He felt frustrated. With this story, he worked harder to demonstrate his expertise and how he was correct in his proposals. However, the harder he worked to demonstrate he was right, the less he seemed able to inspire people to listen and align around a strategy.

When we “know” we are right and feel such frustration and contraction, we need to stop and take a look at the story we are telling ourselves. We could say to ourselves or a coach or friend, “The story I am telling myself is . . . that my colleagues are not interested in what I have to say and that they are even against me.” Then we can assess what is a true fact or observation and what is our assumption or judgment. It is true that team members questioned the findings. They asked, “How did you arrive at that conclusion?” Is it true that they are against you? This is more likely your story and your self-fulfilling prophecy.

The more David believed his colleagues were against him, the more he pushed for his ideas with the leader and others and the less he involved his colleagues in his process. It was his internal story that they were against him that ironically influenced his moves that alienated him. We can only control ourselves and not others. (And managing ourselves is not easy.)

When David became aware of his role in the tangle, he was able to take the first moves to listen and include colleagues in his thinking process during development and to show that he was a team player. He reflected on what he appreciated about team members and became more caring toward them. He was able to forge a more positive and healthy dynamic.

By questioning our stories and separating facts from assumptions, we are better positioned to create more positive and productive relationships and unparalleled results.

Are You a Lifelong Learner?

Posted on December 10, 2020 by Ann Van Eron

My daughter was worried about how to take all the courses she is interested in during college. I felt the same way when I double majored. There was so much to learn and so much I wanted to know about.

I subsequently realized that I will always be studying and learning. I have made it part of my life to read, listen to podcasts and to engage in dialogue with colleagues.

A historian shared that an Ivy degree is not what differentiates successful presidents. Those who made lifelong learning and listening attentively their goal are considered most successful.

We are fortunate that there are many ways for continuous learning these days. There are an abundance of online classes, podcasts, audiobooks, e-books and more. The challenge is making studying a habit. I have combined listening to audio while exercising or walking and reading at the beginning and end of the day or during lunch. I have also joined with colleagues to talk about ideas on a regular basis. This has helped me to prepare and engage in dialogue on areas I want to learn more. I also routinely take classes.

Find a time and a process that works for you to continuously learn and reflect. I hope it will bring you meaning and joy.

Build Social Trust—Be Neighborly

Posted on November 23, 2020 by Ann Van Eron

We are facing many challenges these days. An underlying issue is a decrease in social trust. Studies show that there has been a decrease in trust of government, media, religious and major social institutions in America and elsewhere. While most see a decline in people being reliable and able to fulfill their obligations, according to Pew Research Center, 8 out of 10 Americans think that social trust can be repaired.

Where do we begin? We can each choose to take an open stance and take action to make life better for others. We can commit to being a friendly neighbor and a supportive community member. What could happen if we each used our skills, talents and passion to consciously make a difference for our colleagues, community and others? Simply acknowledging and listening to others, even when they have different views could create a more positive environment. When we show that we care and desire peace, doors will open.

We are polarized with divergent political views and different areas of focus. However, we can come together as neighbors and work collectively on projects such as supporting youth or cleaning a park of litter and planting flowers. We can experience our common ground of wanting safe and life-enhancing communities—even when we have different world views.

David Brooks joined with the Aspen Institute to initiate the Weaver movement to repair the country’s social fabric, which is frayed by distrust, division and exclusion.

“People are quietly working across America to end loneliness and isolation and weave inclusive communities.” The organization collects inspiring stories of success. Brooks encourages people to join in “shifting our culture from hyper-individualism that is all about personal success, to relationalism that puts relationships at the center of our lives.” This is the kind of effort that I envision people choosing an open stance to take.

There are many stresses we are facing and we naturally become fatigued. Many are isolated and feel alone. Whether you start a global community development program or visit an elderly neighbor, we can each do our part to build positive and productive relationships and make life better for all. When you reach out you will most likely receive more than you give. It is rewarding to experience community connection. It will take all of us to contribute.

What can you do to build trust and be neighborly and a supportive community member today?

Contagion: What are You Spreading?

Posted on June 7, 2019 by Ann Van Eron

We’ve heard about how measles are spreading at rapid speed significantly influencing communities. In a similar way emotions are contagious.

In a study a group of nurses were asked to keep a daily log of their mood, work challenges and the overall emotional climate of their team. After three weeks, the researchers could significantly predict the mood of the entire team based on the positive or negative mood of any one nurse. The emotional contagion occurred when the moods were influenced by those outside of work and when the nurses only spent a few hours a day together. Overtime, a mood can spread through an organization and greatly influence the culture.

Another study showed that just witnessing another person who is stressed can cause stress to a person. That’s kind of scary given how many people are stressed these days. However, another study suggests that worrying about being stressed may be a real killer. In a study with thirty thousand participants people who had a lot of stress but didn’t worry about being stressed lived longer. Those who had a lot of stress and believed it was hurting them were over 40% more likely to die after eight years. Other studies suggest that we need some stress to support growth and seeing it as positive may help people to live longer. People who retire and don’t engage are more likely to live less.

Given emotional contagion, how can we accept stress as a part of life and realize that it can even support focusing and longevity? How can we more consciously create a positive mood for ourselves and those around us? A simple step is to be aware of your mood and to reflect on what you are grateful for.

Recognize that your mood is influencing others and see how you can be more open and positive.

Are You Creating an Environment of Respect?

Posted on April 19, 2019 by Ann Van Eron

A senior leadership team was surprised to see negative scores on an employee engagement survey. I conducted focus groups and confidential interviews to learn more. Like many organizations, the company had gone through significant changes and restructurings and this caused uncertainty. However, the thing that seemed to be at the core of the negative scores was the experience of a lack of inclusion or respect. People did not feel that their managers cared about them or listened and valued them. A climate of distrust had been created where people did not openly speak with one another.

The cost is high when people don’t feel valued. Usually they believe it is because of the way they look or their function or role. When people feel there will be retribution for speaking up even more energy is required to create an open and inclusive environment where people feel engaged.

Just as in any relationship, we need to take stalk of the climate we are creating. Are we respecting others and seeing them as individuals with hopes and needs? How you can create an open and inclusive environment? Begin by genuinely engaging in conversations to demonstrate interest and respect.

Openness is Contagious

Posted on April 11, 2019 by Ann Van Eron

Years ago, I provided team coaching to an executive team of a manufacturing company based in Wisconsin. Our meetings were early mornings. I could predict the energy and openness of the team based on the score of the Green Bay Packer game the day before. If the team was winning, as it mostly did at the time, the leadership team members were more positive about creating new solutions and working together. If the team lost, we had to spend more time creating an open environment for the leadership team dialogue.

We all have experienced this phenomenon. A colleague shared that people seemed to have a skip in their walk and a friendly smile for one another in Charlottesville after UVA won the 2019 NCAA basketball championship. It seemed like the whole town shared this positive optimism. Not only is it Virginia’s first championship but the victory is particularly sweet after their close loss last year. The coach and players claim that the loss brought them closer together to achieve this win.

We not only need to check in to ensure that we are open and that those we interact with feel safe and open but it is important to ensure that we work to support a positive and open environment. After the UVA win, colleagues in workplaces seemed more open and forgiving of one another when they were fighting about an issue the day before. Again, a very different experience in the workplace than when there was tension during a previous rally in the city.

An abundance of research emphasizes the importance of creating an environment of openness, safety and trust.

Ask, how open is the environment? What can I do to support openness? Pay attention to the environment or context as much as the content or your words.

Listen to Connect Not Correct

Posted on April 5, 2019 by Ann Van Eron

“What is he thinking? What a terrible idea! Does he see how he is going to hurt the staff and the company?” This is what Trish told me she was thinking as her boss shared a new idea that he thought would save money and address a big problem.

Trish had immediately told her boss why the idea would not work. She was surprised that he could not see the foolishness of his solution. Unfortunately, Trish was not successful in influencing her boss to consider other options and in addition, their relationship soured.

What happened? Trish immediately identified what she believed was wrong with her manager’s idea and began arguing her point of view. She did what we all do often. We focus on correcting or rejecting an idea before we ensure that we are listening fully and connecting with the person speaking. We need to manage ourselves and make sure we understand that the other person is saying and also identify how they are feeling by providing empathy. For example, Trish could have said, “You are concerned about the problem and believe this solution will address the challenge and address the budget deficit too.” Her boss would have felt heard and been more open to a conversation. Because he felt judged he became closed to a genuine conversation of exploring options and also became closed to Trish.

Notice your response when you hear ideas you don’t agree with (give yourself empathy) and stop and shift to being curious and open. Focus on listening more intently, share what you have heard, give empathy and be open to learning more.