Category Archives: Mindfulness

Are you Jumping to Solutions?

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“It often happens that things are other than what they seem, and you can get yourself into trouble by jumping to conclusions.”—Paul Auster

I was talking with a colleague about a work situation. In the middle of the conversation, he asked me if a storefront near my place that had been vacant was occupied yet. I was a bit put off. Here I was, talking about something important to me and my colleague completely shifted the conversation. My first reaction was to feel hurt and disappointed that my friend was not interested in my challenge.  I began to close down and thought I would shift topics or leave, recognizing that he may not be capable of being a real listener or a real friend.

Instead of shutting down or making assumptions and judgments, I remembered what I teach. I suggest catching ourselves when we are making judgments and work to stay open and curious. I was able to cool down and ask with curiosity, ”What makes you ask about the open storefront?”  My friend thought it was obvious.  He said, “I was thinking that you could open a coffee shop and would not be faced with such complex challenges.”  He had jumped to a solution.  He quickly confessed that opening a small shop is his dream and his own fantasy solution.

A few things occurred in this short interaction. A common one is that when I brought up a challenge, my colleague jumped to a solution. This is a familiar reaction. When someone has an issue we want to solve it. It is often easy to see a solution when it is a situation that someone else is experiencing and we are not emotionally involved.  In addition, when there is an issue or problem, we want to get it resolved or off our plate.  It is useful to recognize our tendency to jump to solutions and work to refrain from immediately solving and focus on listening more intently to ensure understanding. If we listen with openness and curiosity and give empathy, often people solve their own issues or feel satisfied with just being heard. I was delighted to learn coaching skills and see the power of listening and giving space to another to reflect. When people are heard they develop their own solutions and are more committed to following through.

I jumped to a judgment about my colleague and moved to an habitual pattern of withdrawing and believing he was not interested. We all have habitual patterns that color how we see things and it is useful to learn ours and work to try new responses. In this case, I was fortunate to notice my assumptions and work to shift to being open and curious.  This takes some practice and I don’t know of too many more valuable skills to develop than being open.  When I caught myself and shifted to a more open—or what I call an OASIS state—I was able to inquire about his question about the storefront.  I realized that my friend did care and had just jumped to what he thought was a good solution. Of course, I would have benefitted from more empathy and understanding.

I was glad that I asked him the question. We continued our conversation and he did listen more and I felt closer to him by engaging in an open-minded conversation than I would not have had if I had withdrawn or was negative toward him. What else could he have done? He could have shared his intention when he asked about the storefront. For example, he could have said, “I wish things were easier for you, I wonder if you would consider other career options such as opening a coffee shop?” Hearing his positive intentions would have gone a long way. I would have also had the opportunity to confirm my love of coaching and consulting.

While I just shared one small interaction, I often see the same pattern of jumping to solutions and people fighting or withdrawing in response to others not listening.  When assumptions are made and not tested there are continual misunderstandings. I have seen people be angry with colleagues and family members because of assumptions, judgments and jumping to conclusions too quickly all across the globe. It is natural for us to make assumptions and judgments and to jump to solutions. Yet with a few moves (catching ourselves, being open and curious and engaging in conversations) we can have more positive and productive interactions with greater results too.

We will all benefit from catching ourselves and shifting to being open to others (and ourselves).  Notice your tendency to jump to solutions.  Begin to notice your patterns and build new conversation habits. Kindly share what you are noticing.

Contact us anytime.

Leading with Aliveness

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Leading with Aliveness

“Don’t ask what the world needs. Ask what makes you come alive, and go do it. Because what the world needs is people who come alive.” —Howard Thurman

What supports you in experiencing aliveness?

So many of my executive clients, colleagues in organizations and others I meet report feeling stressed and disconnected these days. It is not surprising. Most organizations are experiencing disruption and change is a constant. Often companies are cutting resources yet more and more is required. There is a sense of unease and polarization both in organizations and everywhere.  Our daily news is filled with challenges and conflict.

People want to shift from feelings of scarcity and stress and to create more connection and possibility. Yet most don’t know how to do so. We are all influenced by our environments. How do we change cultures to allow more connection and innovation?

Leaders need to start with themselves. They need to make it their intention to create positive and productive environments—even one interaction at a time.

It is worth the investment in paying attention to your experience and then recalling your commitment to create an innovative and inclusive environment. Yes, this does mean slowing down a bit to become aware and to really see your colleagues and to listen. It means catching yourself when you feel competitive and want to win over someone.  By being self-aware and making small shifts in our interactions, people start to feel heard and seen and more alive, and then they relax a bit too and are more apt to bring forth new and creative ideas.

Leaders can ask themselves, “Am I open to possibilities and experiencing aliveness?”  It is useful to develop a small practice or habit to keep focused on your intention. Perhaps you appreciate your situation and colleagues as you travel to work. You may take a walk, enjoy nature or a hobby, breathe deeply or listen to an inspiring podcast. You can share your goal to listen and create an open-minded atmosphere with a friend or a coach and reflect on your progress.

As we make the intention to be alive and open and engage in meaningful conversations the climate begins to change. Changing the culture involves supporting others in also being more open and addressing the systems and norms of the organization to be supportive and aligned.

Renew your intention of creating a positive and productive environment and start with noticing and nurturing aliveness in yourself.

Contact us anytime.

Applied Emotional Intelligence

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“If you want maximal productivity and you want work that gets the best results, you want the people doing the work to be in the optimal brain state for the work. You are a person who can evict them from the zone of optimal performance by slothfully handling your own interactions with them. So it is up to you to take responsibility for your impact on their ability to do their best.”—Daniel Goleman

Studies show that people with high levels of emotional intelligence experience greater job performance, stronger leadership skills, greater mental health and wellbeing and overall more success. Research supports that intellectual intelligence only accounts for about 20% of success and emotional intelligence is the significant differentiating factor. 

How do we be emotionally intelligent? It takes practice, the development of habits of self-awareness, and increased awareness in our interactions.  

Emotional intelligence involves becoming self-aware and honing the ability to manage our reactions. In addition, it involves being aware of others and successfully managing our relationships.  

I have worked with many leaders and organizations to share the key habits of emotional and social intelligence. It is useful to appreciate that emotions are contagious and that we are influencing others as our relationships influence us. We need to pay attention and take responsibility to create a positive and productive environment. I often ask myself if I am experiencing an oasis with others or more of the challenging experience of being in the arid desert heat. The metaphor helps me to pay attention and work to create an open environment in which I am listening and curious.

There are a few key OASIS moves of emotional intelligence. First, Observation—notice your environment, recognizing that we are each noticing different things based on our background conditioning. Next, Awareness—make it a habit of checking in and noticing your assumptions, emotions and how your background influences your thoughts and emotions. We know that our thoughts are influencing our interactions and by noticing our thoughts we have more choices than just reacting. The key skill is recognizing when we are closed or in judgment and Shift to being open. It is the open, oasis state that supports others in being open to us and to possibilities. Then you can focus on understanding what is Important to you, another and both of you. Then you are positioned to explore options and create agreements and Solutions. 

Each of these moves can easily be learned and are concrete ways to be emotionally intelligent and create positive and productive interactions. We have opportunities to practice throughout our days at work and at home. For example, Ray, a manager,  became frustrated when he believed a team member did not complete a project.  He noticed tightness in his chest and his feeling of irritation. Here he recognized that he was not experiencing an oasis with the team member. He acknowledged his contraction and shifted to being open and curious about what happened. He remembered to “assume positive intent.”  He was able to say to this teammate, “I notice that I have not seen the report I expected today.” Since he was open, he was able to engage in a conversation and learn what was most important to his teammate. When he listened, it supported his teammate in being open and interested in his needs. After some open dialogue and empathy, they came to an agreement that the teammate had too much on his plate and had misjudged his capabilities. His teammate would be more forthright about his commitments to ease planning in the future. Now that the team member understood the importance of the report and the deadline, he shifted priorities and completed the report. The open dialogue and agreement on the solution and next steps supported the team member and enhanced their relationship. In addition to securing the report, Ray, the manager created a working environment of trust and openness. The investment Ray made in being emotionally intelligent benefitted him at work and at home. 

We can all learn to enhance our emotional intelligence. What have you found useful?

Contact us anytime at www.potentials.com.

Appreciative Leadership

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“Nothing is more honorable than a grateful heart.”—Seneca

In my work with leaders, I emphasize the importance of creating an environment in which people feel a sense of openness and respect, where people can engage in meaningful conversations and can explore diverse perspectives and be innovative. Emotions are contagious and leaders benefit from being aware of their disposition and how they influence others. One of the simplest ways to create a positive and productive environment is to build the habit of gratitude.

During the holidays, people are more apt to recall what they are grateful for. Making it a daily practice is even more powerful. Most successful leaders are problem solvers and implementers of solutions and are quick to identify what is not working. It takes a different stance to embrace gratitude.

When we are able to reflect and actually experience the sensation of gratefulness, we encounter more openness to possibilities and others sense this energy.

Research shows that being grateful has multiple benefits.  People report greater well-being when they appreciate what they have.  There are clear physical and mental health benefits. Those who are grateful experience deeper relationships and less stress.  It’s hard to argue against building the habit of noticing and being grateful and showing appreciation.

People often suggest having a journal to collect what you are grateful for. I have adopted the simple habit of reflecting on what I am grateful for about my day as I go to sleep.  I have noticed that connecting with people seems to bring me my greatest joy. I have also noticed and appreciate how much I do have and how fortunate I am. It becomes a cycle. The more I am grateful, the more I seem to be grateful for.  This sure beats my old pattern of reflecting on all I had not done and all I needed to do.  Oh, by the way, research shows that people who adopt the habit of gratitude sleep better too.

Wishing you and your family a Happy Thanksgiving.

Me or We?

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“Challenges are what makes life interesting and overcoming them is what makes life meaningful.” — Joshua J. Marine

Most leaders and organizations are experiencing disruption these days. The external environment is rapidly changing with increased competition and the need to be flexible and to make significant changes for success.  Amidst the volatility, leaders and staff are experiencing stress. There is a great need to have meaningful conversations across functions and business lines to create agreements on strategies and collective action.  While most recognize this need, often leaders and staff fail to engage in real conversations. Too often leaders continue to be locked in conflict with colleagues rather than together focusing on the external challenges.

Leaders will benefit from noticing their language and saying “we” more than “I”.  It is useful to draw attention to the bigger collective goals.  I often draw a simple diagram to demonstrate the need to expand “we” to include others in our organization. When leaders expand the “we” to include their peers and other groups, staff are free to make changes, less energy is expended on internal disagreements and trust can be enhanced.

I have seen the damage of many power struggles.  I have also experienced the power of leaders joining together to face an external challenge. One company had lost market share to new competitors. However, when the heads of the businesses and other leaders stopped fighting each other, they were able to work together and gained significant market share. With a shared vision and commitment to work together, the leaders reported that it was one of their greatest experiences.  It can be a fun game working together. Often it requires someone stopping the internal competition and choosing to work together for the benefit of the organization.  It often takes someone making the first move.

Where is your focus as a leader? Are you willing to join with your peers in addressing external competition?  Are you having open-minded conversations? It will serve you and others in the organization to draw a bigger boundary.  It takes courage and can make a difference.

Contact us anytime.

Communicate your Intention

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People will judge you by your actions, not your intentions. Intent does not equal impact.

We each are seeing the world differently. It is hard for us to remember this.  Since things seem so obvious to us, we assume that others are “getting it.”  More times than we imagine—they are not.  We each have different experiences and thus our conditioning has us pay attention to different things. Millions of bits of sensory data are available every second and only a small portion can get through.  We are seeing and hearing different things than the person next to us.

A leader texted his team member, Jerry, that he didn’t need to attend a meeting. Jerry immediately assumed he had done something wrong and became anxious.  He felt it was rude of his boss to send such a note and not talk with him directly. Jerry told fellow team members that he did not feel valued. Jerry assumed the worst and experienced stress. Based on research called the fundamental attribution error, we are wired to assume negative motivations of others. This disposition along with our negativity bias helps us to be prepared in the face of potential danger. However the cost can be high for all involved. It turns out the leader thought he was being helpful to Jerry since he knew Jerry had a lot on his plate. The leader thought he was being kind by relieving Jerry of attending the meeting since he would be there.

This simple misunderstanding cost time, energy and good will of Jerry and his coworkers. The climate of the workplace had become fearful. The manager had no idea of the impact of his action until later when he had to deal with Jerry and the team’s negative engagement and decline in outcomes.

Unfortunately, these kinds of misunderstandings happen frequently and cost time, energy, good will and money.

Jerry would have benefited from checking out his assumptions by engaging in a conversation with his manager. His boss would have benefited by sharing his intention behind his request.

Make it a habit of sharing your positive intentions and check to make sure people are receiving your requests and comments in a positive way.  Try to engage in respectful conversations when possible.

Encourage Conversations

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“Conversation is food for the soul.”—Mexican Proverb

Julie, a staff member of an executive, complained that another business unit was not cooperating and satisfying corporate requirements. What would you do if you were Julie’s manager? Do you speak with your peer, the head of the other area, or do you support Julie in having a conversation with her peer?  Either or both could be appropriate depending on the issue and the greater context.

Somewhere a conversation is needed. Often, I find that challenges my clients are experiencing are because those above are not aligned and are not having open-minded conversations. I once facilitated an agreement meeting between heads of a corporate function and a key business unit. They had been fighting for a while and the business unit had actually duplicated the corporate function in many ways to avoid contact. However, they were stuck and not able to solve an important business problem.  After some work with them we were able to get to the core issue and resolve the technical issue and enhance their relationship. However, we discovered that their leaders were misaligned and there were many ramifications.  After I facilitated a conversation with the top leaders, they were able to make progress and gained significant market share.

While conversations need to happen at the senior-most levels, I believe a role of a leader is to encourage team members to have meaningful and open-minded conversations. After some coaching, Julie did have the conversation with her peer. She was able to resolve the issue at her level. This was more efficient for Julie and her boss and others in the organization.

Leadership is about conversations. All day long leaders need to engage in conversations to inspire others and support alignment toward a compelling vision. In addition, leaders need to give feedback and support and resolve issues.  Open-minded conversations are essential for success and like any skill require practice. Leaders need to create a culture where respectful conversations are the norm.

Are you engaging in open-minded conversations today and encouraging your team members to do the same?

Contact us anytime.

 

 

How is blame working?

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“When you think everything is someone else’s fault, you will suffer a lot. —His Holiness the 14th Dalai Lama

After working at a company for nine months, a manager complained bitterly about the organization and his colleagues. He believed he was brought into the company to bring about needed change. His expertise would clearly benefit the company with their changing market demands and increased competition. He knew what the company should do. There was one problem. People were not open to his ideas or even to him for that matter. Of course, many experienced hires have a similar onboarding experience. The newly hired expert has a paradigm of how things “should be” and comes across as negative and not understanding. The experienced hire begins to feel anxious because he or she wants to demonstrate value.

The challenge this manager had is that his solutions seemed so obvious to him. After all, they worked at his previous employer and he was an expert. However, rather than influencing his new colleagues, he blamed them for not listening or adopting his solutions.  Not surprisingly, the blame did not endear him to his new colleagues and complaints about him grew. Eventually, HR suggested he work with a coach.

It is human nature to blame others.  We naturally feel like the “good guy” or the innocent victim.  It feels good to “be right” and we are supported when others agree that we are right.  However, the cost of staying in this stance can be high. Many new hires don’t make it in their new companies or they continue to feel alone and as if they are fighting an uphill battle.

I am reminded of the saying that when we are pointing a finger to blame the other person that more fingers are pointing toward us. You may also recall the parable of a man in a boat who demanded that an oncoming boat change course. The other boat kept heading right toward him and eventually hit him. He was furious. Then he realized that the boat did not have a navigator and must have broken free and was floating down the river.  We can only try to manage or change ourselves.  The blaming takes a lot of energy that is diverted from the business problem we are eager to solve.

How do we manage our instinct to blame? First, we need to get empathy and understanding from a caring friend or coach and also give ourselves compassion.  It really is difficult to come into an organization with new ideas. It is also stressful to feel you need to prove yourself quickly.  It is upsetting to see results slip when you sense you could make a difference.  You paid a high cost to move to a new organization and you and your family are counting on being successful. It is frustrating to feel blocked out of conversations. You’re disappointed that behaviors that were appreciated in your previous organizations are not recognized at the new organization. You don’t feel valued.

Don’t underestimate the importance of empathy and self-compassion. It is not easy to join a new organization and introduce change for anyone.

Choose to want success and connection more than being “right.”  Assume that people have good intentions and are doing the best they can. Work to notice when you are blaming and focus on learning. That’s right. Look for what you can learn and be humble. It will take multiple times to shift from judgment to being open-minded.  It is a great muscle to develop and use this experience to build the muscle. It will serve you in multiple areas of your life.  When we get trapped in the victim mentality we need to jump out of the cycle to change the dynamics.

Then, you need to work to understand and give empathy to your new colleagues. When we are able to calm down and see different perspectives, we can often see a mistake we made or are continuing to make.  Each culture is different and it is hard to interpret some of the unwritten rules. Upon reflection, this manager realized that he had publicly doubted a colleague’s solution. This kind of action was expected and rewarded in his previous organization. No wonder this important peer did not share information now and be open to his ideas.  With understanding, small changes can make a difference.

When my client was able to shift from blaming to understanding, he was much more acceptable to his colleagues. He began engaging in meaningful conversations. He experienced more ease and he was able to share his views and build a solution with his colleagues that gained market share for the organization. Over time, he gained a positive reputation as someone who was emotionally intelligent and a team player.

Where are you frustrated and blaming others? What has supported you in shifting to being open-minded?

Contact us anytime.

Look for Humor Amidst Polarization

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“I think the next best thing to solving a problem is finding some humor in it.”— Frank A. Clark

A client told me how angry he was with his long-time business partner. “How can he be so stupid?”  The partners were disagreeing again about something they heard in the news. One assured the other that President Obama did not wire-tap the Trump Tower in New York. The other partner as vehemently stated that it was true. Neither actually knew the truth at the time. Both felt agitated by the news and were confident that they were “right.”  

The challenge for these long-time business partners is that because they began to assert their view and consider the other wrong and unintelligent, they began to experience their trust disintegrating.  My client was stressed and talked to me and others about his incredulity. Their disagreement drained their energy. What’s more, they also began to see division in their organization, as staff members began to take sides. A lot of energy was wasted around this simple disagreement.  

What could they do?  I empathized with my client and supported him in cooling down. He did not want the political divide and polarization taking place in Washington to hurt his business and his stress level and health. While he felt that he was “right” on this issue and many related issues, he practiced breathing and recalling that his partner did indeed have many positive characteristics.  Even more important, he valued their relationship. He appreciated our discussion about how our background experiences color our perception and have each person paying attention to different data. As a result, everyone comes to a slightly different (or vastly different) conclusion.  My client wanted to remain open to his partner. He remembered to “assume positive intent.” We concluded that using humor would be a viable option. He agreed that he wanted “success” with his partner more than being “right”.

So my client began to look at the humor of the situation. Here they were arguing over things that were out of their circle of influence.  Isn’t it amazing how people can see things so differently? My client was able to perceive future differences with a lighter attitude and was not so committed to being “right”. He imagined a dog letting go of a coveted bone. He joked about how his old problem of being “right” was emerging, like his old knee injury from high-school sports. Most importantly, my client laughed at himself for becoming so committed to being right when it really didn’t matter that much to him.

I also encouraged my client to recall what he liked about his business partner and longtime colleague.  He was able to identify many strengths including his ability to attract clients and manage staff and he was fun to be with (most of the time).

Look for ways you can be open-minded when you face a colleague with a different view. See the humor in your polarization and laugh first at yourself for your desire to be “right” and the costs associated.  It is useful to look at the bigger picture and the common ground. In this case, my client and his partner both wanted their business to succeed as well as their friendship.

Let me know how it goes for you. Contact us at www.Potentials.com.

Experience Gratitude

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“Gratitude can transform common days into thanksgivings, turn routine jobs into joy, and change ordinary opportunities into blessings.”—William Arthur Ward

By now you are likely to have heard of the many benefits of being grateful. You will experience more inner ease, notice more good moments and be able to connect more easily to others. Not bad.

However, it is not enough to have a gratitude journal or casually identify what you are thankful for. Ideally, you build the habit and neural pathway of noticing and expressing gratitude.  You will benefit from actually experiencing gratitude in your body.  For example, you will feel warmth in your chest or heart area as you are grateful for a child or friend or a job.  Too often, we focus on what we don’t have, or what could go wrong and we experience more fear and anxiety.

We need to build the habit of experiencing gratitude. This is especially important during these periods of unprecedented disruption and change. This means continually noticing and appreciating the good around us. Our emotions are contagious.  As leaders, we need to positively influence and support others.

I will never forget waking up one night and experiencing gratitude for my life rather than my old pattern of worry and fretting about what I need to do and what I don’t have. I developed the habit of being grateful and it made a big difference for me and those around me.

Try an experiment of loving your life and being grateful for all you have. We forget to appreciate the abundance. This becomes clear to us when we see others who do not have enough food, friends, money or a home.

Really allow yourself to focus on what you do have and experience gratefulness.  Let me know how it goes.

Contact us at www.Potentials.com.