We underestimate how important our mindset is. Some of us naturally see the glass as half full and others as half empty. Some of our perspectives were inherited from our early experiences with caregivers and our life experiences. So often, we are unaware of this context and how it shapes us.

With awareness, we can notice what we are saying to ourselves and build new patterns. We are learning that neuroplasticity allows us to create new pathways in the brain literally. A study conducted at the Harvard Medical School showed brain scans of pianists as they played the piano. Later the musicians were asked to imagine playing the piano. The identical part of the brain became active. When we rehearse, neural pathways are enhanced, and new habits are formed. The good news is that we can become aware and shift our mindsets.

A simple experiment I have been trying is to reframe. I used to say to myself, “I need to do the chores. I need to get work done. I need to…” I am shifting to saying, “I get to … make a meal for my daughter, I get to walk, I get to pay my taxes.” I am grateful that I am healthy enough to walk, cook and work. It’s a simple shift. We know things are constantly changing. How can we enjoy this phase of our life, and what we can do at this time?

Try this simple experiment, and let me know how it works for you.

When I was a child, I was dumbfounded that my parents seemed to see the world so differently and seemed to miss each other when communicating. I wondered how they could perceive things so uniquely and then fail to communicate. How can people work together and make things happen when they experience things so differently?  

This became a life question for me. I saw the same kinds of misunderstandings and lack of effective communication in schools and the workplace. It’s what led me to study Organization Psychology, become a coach, and develop the OASIS Conversations process. I believed that since conversation skills are so essential, they must be learnable. 

Former LinkedIn CEO Jeff Weiner says, “As businesses increasingly rely on cross-company collaboration, they’re emphasizing interpersonal communications more heavily. Unfortunately, this is a job skill many employees are lacking.”

LinkedIn analyzed skills shortages based on data from member profiles and job postings across 100 major U.S. cities. LinkedIn found the top skills gap across the United States is communications. Given my experience working globally, I suspect this gap is widespread.  

I am confident that communication skills are learnable and can be enhanced at any stage of life or in any role. Engaging in positive and productive conversations is one of the most critical skills for leaders, managers, coaches, change agents, and people who want thriving relationships and results.  

One of my clients told me that all the leaders in her large organization had learned the OASIS Conversations process. She sees tangible results and better relationships, and it is changing the culture.  

One of the most challenging aspects of being an effective leader and manager is to manage ourselves. So often, we are unaware of our habitual patterns and are more prone to reacting under stress than responding with choice.  

It takes effort to manage our nervous systems. We notice our internal contractions, judgments, and assumptions when we are aware and can pause before reacting. This simple pausing and shifting to being open allows us to see more possibilities and to make more effective choices. Since emotions are contagious, leaders positively influence those around them when they can calm themselves. Open-minded people have more access to their creative and analytical thinking and are positioned to create solutions.  

Practice breathing and slowing down to become aware of your reactions and then shift to being open. It is a critical skill for managers, leaders, coaches, and influencers.

A leader recently called me and reported that he could not make himself get his work done. He was depleted and lacked energy. He felt burned out. 

Many of my executive coaching clients have pondered the same question lately. It is easy to feel depleted with all the challenges leaders, families, organizations, and communities face.  

Leaders, coaches, change agents, and parents can easily focus on others and what is needed and forget about themselves. However, it’s essential to take care of the basics to thrive. This means getting enough sleep, eating healthy foods, and walking or exercising. 

I asked this leader what he enjoyed doing. He liked hiking, sailing, and playing tennis.  When I asked him the last time he engaged in any of these, he could not recall. He had set aside all these joyful activities. He also shared that he was getting little sleep and needed to focus more on a healthy diet or taking time off with his family and friends. 

It is not easy to put work aside and care for ourselves when so much needs to be done. However, if we fail to find moments for rest and joy, our bodies will say enough at some point.  

Leaders and influencers must model caring for themselves to inspire those around them to do the same. 

What is one thing you can do to replenish yourself today, next week, and next month?  Schedule a break today. Notice the impact on you and those you work with.

Many leaders and executive coaching clients I work with live in their heads. They are intelligent people with excellent analytical skills. They have been successful.

However, a new kind of leader is needed these days. The command and control types of managers do not instill engagement or excitement. Instead, people are asking for empathy, understanding, and even care.

These leaders often care but miss cues for emotional intelligence. I get it. I used to see myself as a bobbing head and never tuned into listening. I had habitual patterns that were automatic and no longer serving me. It took some practice to be curious and notice sensations like an internal contraction. Then, I could be more aware and choose my response.

Leaders need to be aware, manage their reactions, and recognize emotions are contagious. For example, leaders who are overly angry or anxious or close down without awareness can deplete energy. On the other hand, when leaders are open and attuned with awareness, they can inspire hope and possibilities. What type of environment do you think generates the best results?

When we check in and note our experiences, we interact more flexibly. When we notice what brings us a sense of openness, aliveness, and joy, we can more easily experience these states and inspire others.

Begin by simply checking in now and paying attention to your feelings. I often ask myself, “Are you open?” Just notice and make it a practice to do so and see the impact.

What has supported you in listening to your body?

Have you ever had a colleague or friend point out something that you then realized was obvious but you missed it?

I talked with a long-time friend whom I had not connected with in a while. We caught up on our work, our health, and what we are looking forward to. I told her about some pending changes in my family. She said she noticed I focused on how others were experiencing the changes rather than how I felt about it. She caught an old habitual pattern of mine. I hadn’t noticed. It’s a habit of mine to focus on what others need, and sometimes I even forget to ask myself what I need.

We all have such habitual patterns that shape our lives. But, of course, the patterns served us at one time and may not in our current life. So it is nice when a good friend shares her perspective. It is even better when we catch ourselves before we say something, take action or refrain from action.   

When we notice our patterns, we are more at choice in responding. When we are unaware, we tend to follow our old habits. It takes awareness to notice our inclinations. The first step is pausing for a breath and paying attention. It is also helpful to ask a friend or a coach to share what they notice.

It can help us to be kind to others when we appreciate that we are each seeing different things and reacting based on our background experiences.

Be kind to yourself and others and notice. You can be on the lookout for a specific pattern that may no longer be needed. 

Are you spending your days fighting fires and solving problems?                                      

As a young consultant, I saw my role as helping people find answers. I was pretty quick at finding solutions. I did cultural assessments of companies. After hundreds of interviews, focus groups, surveys, and weeks of writing, I provided an extensive report with a complete strategy. I conducted quite a few of these assessments addressing diversity, inclusion, and engagement issues. Many commented on the completeness of my reports and the depth. I wondered how often my recommendations were taken.

Everything changed for me when I learned about the power of coaching. Rather than giving solutions, I trusted that clients had the best answers. A load was taken off of my back. Rather than be the one with all the answers, I became the presence that supported people in finding their own solutions.

I became an executive and team coach and incorporated a coaching approach in all of my work. Seeing what happened when team members felt free to envision and create a meaningful culture was amazing.

Leaders I have trained report that taking an open stance, listening, and providing empathy and space for reflection have made a difference in how they lead. They no longer feel that they have to provide all the answers. In fact, no leaders can have all the answers these days. However, with awareness, they can take a coach approach and support team members to find the best actions. They ask powerful questions, listen and allow space for reflection. 

What has been your experience with a coach approach? Are you finding it particularly effective during these times of rapid change and uncertainty?

You’ve probably felt frustrated about not getting enough done on a project. I have been developing a new course. I notice I feel productive, and the work flows some days. Other times, I wonder why it feels more challenging, and I don’t feel satisfied.

I love the moments I am immersed in the work and lose track of time. I want to keep going and am absorbed and enjoying the process. Mihály Csíkszentmihályi, who was a psychologist at the University of Chicago, called this state flow. He did a lot of research and discovered that when we are in a state of flow, we enjoy what we are doing, forget about ourselves and the demands of the outside world, and become creative and productive.

Who doesn’t want more flow and enjoyment? The key I found is that it takes about 15 minutes of focus before fully engaging in a task. Once I do, I can fall into a state of flow. The challenge is that I would be pulled out of flow when I shifted to answer a call or read an email. Then it takes another 15 minutes to reenter the flow state. So some days, I click in and out of focus, with all the distractions, that I do not feel productive.

Try an experiment and notice how you can shift into the flow state after about 15 minutes of focus. (For me, that means no social media surfing or taking calls.) I am experiencing a lot more enjoyment and creativity. I hope you will have the same experience. Let me know.

“There is a calmness to a life lived in gratitude. A quiet joy.” — Ralph H. Blum

By now you have heard people praising the power of gratitude. Yes, research is consistent that groups that reflected on what they are grateful for experienced more satisfaction, happiness and better health than groups that engaged in other reflections.

I have made it a part of my daily ritual to reflect on what I am grateful for and write it down as I start my day. What this does is train the reticular activating system (RAS) part of the brain to be on the lookout for what is going well. We are naturally predisposed to notice what is not going well. However, due to neuroplasticity, we can train our brains to focus on what is going well.

Have you ever noticed that when you decide to buy a certain car, or study a specific topic or even are considering having a baby that everywhere you go you see that type of car, that topic and even more babies. Yes, our RAS, helps us to sort out what we are focused on amid all the possible data.

When we focus on what we are grateful for, we begin to notice more things to be grateful for and we become open to more possibilities and insights. It is a useful habit to reflect on how much we do have.

Today, we need more of us to take an Open Stance and be grateful for what is going well. We will experience more well-being and positively influence others. We will have more energy for co-creating solutions that work for all.

The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.

— Carl Rogers

Compassion is essential these days. We can start with self-compassion. Like many of you, I had a lot on my plate and was trying to manage many requests and respond to the needs of people. Then I got some difficult news. I could feel a sense of overwhelm.

Kristin Neff offers a simple process that can serve each of us. First, simply notice what is happening in your body and say to yourself, “This is a moment of suffering.” You might also put your hand on your heart. Next, recognize that “Suffering is a common human experience.” All of us face challenges and this is a part of living on this earth. Third, we evoke compassion and kindness, “May I be kind to myself.”

Yes, it is simple and this makes it easy to remember in a time of stress or self-belittlement. It corresponds to what Deb Dana and Stephen Porges talk about in Polyvagal Theory. When you feel overwhelmed, notice that your nervous system is in a survival response. They call this dorsal (freeze) or sympathetic (fight/flight) reaction. Next, recognize that we all have moments where we shift from ease into a state of protecting ourselves. Finally, we can wish for kindness and allow some ventral energy to regulate our bodies. With practice, we can develop strategies to do so with ease. For example, I focus on grounding myself in the present moment, breathing, appreciating the moment, and being grateful or optimistic that things will work out. I call this taking an Open Stance.

The great news is that when I am self-compassionate and calm my nervous system, I have more capacity to be compassionate with others. When I take an Open Stance and am feeling safe, others can experience this and it helps them to regulate and also become calmer.

Just as trees are connected by their roots we are always influencing others, both consciously and unconsciously. I can be more compassionate when I recall that everyone is being influenced by their environment and others and we, as humans, naturally become dysregulated. Compassion is one of the Open Stance Postures, when we practice compassion with ourselves and others, we are supporting wellbeing, and connections and making a difference.

Wishing you self-compassion. What supports you during challenging moments?