It is so easy to be disheartened by the many challenges our planet and world are facing these days. It is easy to feel overwhelmed and wonder what we can do. Many people throw up their arms in despair. The news and social media reinforce the problems.
However, we can take an Open Stance, appreciate what is, and consciously choose to be optimistic about what is possible and take action to make a difference. In fact, we are at a unique time when so much change is possible. Many systems are broken, and collectively we can create new opportunities.
I was fortunate to listen to the Great Leadership Reset Summit https://thegreatleadershipreset.com/ sponsored by Barrett-Koehler Publishers and Case Western University’s Fowler Center for Business as an Agent of World Benefit. Many leaders in organizations shared what they are doing to address climate change and social inequities. Some companies are looking at their supply chains and finding ways to reduce waste. Others are reducing their carbon footprint and even becoming positive in creating energy that can be used by others. Others are developing products such as lights that allow people to have a significantly better quality of life. They make an inspiring case that business can be a force for positive change.
Many of the leaders shared their joy in envisioning a better world for all and the impact they are seeing. Each of us can take action–even small actions –to inspire others about what we can collectively do to make life better. We can choose our disposition and our corresponding focus of energy. We can each be a leader, no matter what our position, in inspiring others.
Where will you find joy in supporting change during this unique time? Start where you are and share your enthusiasm and hope. Together we can make a difference.
It is so easy to see us vs. them. There seem to be so many issues that divide us. We often are putting ourselves into one camp vs. another. Those for vaccines vs. those against, managers vs. staff, extroverts vs. introverts, those working on climate change vs. those who do not embrace it, etc. It is easy to lack trust in one another and to see some as the victims and others as perpetrators.
This demarcation comes from our survival brain and conditioning that caused us to recognize who was in our tribe and to be aware of those who were not.
When we recognize that we are judging and we notice our lack of trust and fear we can catch ourselves. We can Stop, Step Back and Cool Down and Shift to be Open. We can recognize our humanity and our natural tendency for bias and judgment. We can draw a larger circle to include others and see ourselves as interdependent. We cannot solve the challenges we are collectively facing when we are focused on fighting each other.
I have worked with many leadership teams where people are focused on fighting one another. When they draw a new line, where they are aligned and see themselves as a team, they are better positioned to achieve collective goals. Such transformation is beautiful to behold. We can see each other as family and engage in collective conversations to solve challenges we cannot on our own.
Notice the lines you are drawing to demarcate yourself from others. Consider drawing a wider circle, embracing others and expanding the possibilities.
Daily I hear stories from family members, colleagues, and clients about misunderstandings, miscommunications, and the challenges of working and living with others. It is so easy to feel wronged by others and to make judgments. In fact, we naturally judge others as a way to protect our self-identities.
I recently gave a talk and a member of the audience challenged what I was saying in a judgmental tone. My immediate internal reaction was to be defensive and close to the person. Rather than argue or be defensive, I was able to notice my closing and stop, step back and cool down with a breath, and I was able to shift to curiosity. I became open to listening. I trusted that I would learn something and reminded myself to not be defensive. It helps to recall that each person is coming from a different background with a different understanding of words and with different needs.
By being open, I learned that some of my definitions could be made clearer, and I trust my next talk will be better for the interaction.
When the person began arguing with my premise, her view and energy became contagious and others started questioning things. When I became open and curious the atmosphere changed, and we had a real and meaningful conversation.
At the end of the meeting, a participant remarked that they noticed that I had demonstrated being open by not being defensive. Ironically, my talk was on the power of being open. My demonstration was more important than my definition. The atmosphere shifted, and the whole group acknowledged that the conversation was rich and rewarding for them.
We can each make it a practice of catching ourselves when we naturally close and after cooling down a bit, shift to being open. Notice the impact on yourself and others.
It is our nature to judge ourselves and others. We each have an inner voice that accompanies us and tells us when things are not “right”. When we are contracted or closed, we can be harsh in judging ourselves, others and situations. Sometimes we call this judge our “inner critic” or saboteur. If you are like me, you may have many forms of this inner critic.
We can recognize our judge when we hear that we or someone or something “should” be different. We sense in our bodies that we are “right” and others “should” agree. In addition to the berating inner voice, we usually have a predominant physical sensation that can be stronger depending on the issue. For example, I notice tension in my back, as if someone is pushing me or a tightness in my stomach and a feeling of pressure.
We can use these signals to alert us that we are closed or judging. If we can shift to a more open stance we can be less harsh and more curious or discerning.
For example, say you feel you did not do well on a presentation you gave. You could notice your judging part saying things like, “You are a failure! You are not a good speaker; you never have been and never will be. Others are so much better.” You may notice your signal and contraction. Your amygdala part of the brain is activated. If you can shift to a more open stance, you could more calmly assess the situation, learn from it, and determine your next steps. From an open state, you could see that you would have benefitted by allowing more time for preparation, practicing and getting support with the technology. You could learn from this experience and you may even choose to hire a coach or take a course to improve your skills.
Discerning comes from an open and growth mindset. You recognize that we all can learn and develop. You are more centered, open and compassionate. A discerning parent helps a child learn and recognizes that developing knowledge and skills takes time and ongoing improvement. There is empathy and support appreciating the intrinsic goodness of the child.
We can practice shifting into an open stance so we can be more discerning, support development and value our intrinsic nature and that of others. We can learn to build the muscle of shifting to enjoy an open stance and continual growth.
As an executive and team coach and organization development consultant, I have continually found a core challenge is that people don’t feel respected and don’t have the skills to effectively talk with each other about their concerns. As a third party, I can see where each person’s view makes sense to them. It is so easy to interpret actions as disrespectful and a cascade of reactions creates a negative and untrustworthy environment. The tension takes energy away from productivity and meaningful impact.
A study found that disrespect made people feel less motivated. 68% cut back on their work efforts; 80% lost time worrying about the behavior and 12% left their job. (Porath, 2016, Mastering Civility). Other studies showed that those who witness disrespect also have significant decreases in performance (Porath & Erez, 2009). Another study found that those who are seen as respectful were twice as likely to be viewed as leaders and performed significantly better.
Emotions are contagious. Disrespect spreads quickly through a team, family, or community. Everyone wants to feel respected and it can spread too if we each do our part to intentionally create an open, positive and welcoming environment.
It is useful to recognize our natural implicit bias. We are primed to see us and them. Our body releases hormones that lead us to trust those who are more like us. We easily attribute negative motives to those who appear to be different. We can intentionally widen our circles to include a broader group. We can set our intention to be open to others including those with different views, styles and appearance.
We know that we can build neural pathways that support us in being kind and respectful. I set the intention to take an open stance each day. A simple action is to develop your curiosity muscle. I encourage workshop participants to practice saying, “I am curious… tell me more about…. With a genuine open mindset and interest in others, they report amazing results. This simple intention allows people to be heard and valued—something we all need to feel respected.
Another practice suggested by Valerie Kaur is to begin to see people as “no stranger”. As you see people you don’t know, allow yourself to be curious and open to them. She internally calls them brother, sister, aunt, and uncle as she sees people. We can bring people into our inner circle. With this habit we can rewire our brains to see no stranger.
When we are open, we recognize that everyone is facing life’s challenges and we are in this together.
I encourage leaders and teams I work with to reflect on what helps them to feel respected and what they are doing to uplift others. It is often simple things that make a difference in helping people to feel valued, appreciated and heard. Consider thanking people, sharing credit, acknowledging others, showing interest, giving empathy, and greeting others in a friendly tone.
It is easier to connect with others when we find commonalities. Consider looking for at least three areas that you have in common with others. It could be areas of interest, the kinds of things you do for fun, the shows you enjoy or that you are dealing with aging parents or trying to garden, that you studied at the same school, etc. Enjoy learning more about each other.
How could our workplaces, homes and communities change if we each made the commitment to be open to others and to show respect? Consider the following actions:
Reflect and share what actions help you to feel respected and the actions you are taking to lift others up by being respectful.
Identify areas of commonality with others to support connection.
No doubt, you are experiencing the challenges of polarization. Family members, coworkers, and community participants are dumbfounded by people with different views. People are severing relationships with those on different sides of views on mask-wearing, climate policy, structural injustice, health care and economic strategies.
We truly wonder how people can be seeing things so differently. We see no common ground. We are getting different facts from different news sources and the algorithms of social media usher in views that help to solidify our perspectives. Confirmation bias strengthens our neural pathways and we believe we are right. Others in our circle further strengthen our view and enhance the polarization.
The last thing we want to do is engage in open-minded conversations. Yet, this is what is needed more than ever. I encourage leaders I coach and those in my workshops to consciously work to expand their experiences and knowledge. We each naturally have blind spots and we see the world through our background conditioning. If you only listen to one brand of media, you will continue to confirm your view. Sure, that is comforting. However, we need leaders who will take an open stance and listen and work to understand where others are coming from and what they are seeing. In my experience, when we engage in conversations with the intent to give, empathy and understanding solutions often readily emerge.
How do we take an open stance? First, we need to make the intention to be open. Then when we are surprised or angered by a different point of view, we need to recognize our judgment signal and stop, step back and cool down. If you look closely you will find a somatic signal such as a tightening in your stomach or chest. You can cool down by simply taking a few deep breaths, taking a walk, engaging in something that relaxes you, etc. The key is to know how to shift into an open curious state. There are many ways to do this. One that I prefer is to recall a time when I was open such as when being in nature or with a loved one. With this simple move your body shifts to being open. You will feel more receptive and so will your previous opponent.
Emotions are contagious. When others sense that you are actually open to understanding, you are likely to engage in an interesting and meaningful conversation. I share more about how to have positive and productive conversations in my book, blog and course called OASIS Conversations. Ideally, we shift from the arid desert of polarization to the aliveness and possibility of an oasis.
Commit to an open stance and engage in conversations to create shared solutions.
It is certainly a challenging time in the world with the pandemic, economic crisis, social and racial inequities, climate change disruption and polarization. People understandably report feeling tired and overwhelmed. There are many individual needs, people suffering isolation, job loss and other challenges.
This is a pivotal moment in time where there is an opening for profound change in our institutions, organizations and our lives. This is a time where we each can focus on making a difference in our sphere of influence. If we each take action to make the world better for all, we can collectively make a difference.
Each of us has the power to impact others. I am inspired by clients making life better for those they can influence. A leader is using his platform to shed light on inequities and is working with his organization to make systemic changes. Another client changed how her agency is processing requests and is ensuring equity and fairness. For example, those in less advantaged neighborhoods are receiving the same high level of service as other neighborhoods.
I have been reflecting on how I can best use my skills and expertise to contribute. It has always been my intention to support potential and to assist people in taking an open stance and engaging in open conversations to create shared solutions. I am committed to sharing skills and facilitating conversations. If possible, it is worthwhile to use your influence to make positive systemic changes. It is also valuable to support others in many ways.
I am continually inspired when facilitating groups where people identify projects and receive advice and support from peers. It is amazing what we can do together. This is the time where we can support each other in creating an environment of opportunity for everyone.
I and colleagues are facilitating Open Culture Project Circles in organizations where people identify projects to foster open, inclusive and engaged environments. When people take action and support each other so much can be achieved. People report more meaning and satisfaction when they are focused on a positive purpose.
We introduced such project circles in a professional association and created an engaged and cohesive environment and individuals expressed success with their individual endeavors while building aligned relationships.
I encourage you to identify at least one way you can make a difference in your sphere. Ideally, you will join with like-minded people to support one another in making the world a bit better.
Recently, several of my executive coaching and OASIS Conversations workshop clients have complained that they are being unfairly perceived. In each of the cases, their boss said something like “we need to clear up the Jake and Jerry problem” where Jake was the name of the person who felt wrongly accused. How could his boss and others not see that he is the one who was “right” and did not deserve to be included in the negative perception. However, the more he complained about being accused and blamed the other person the more the negative perception stuck.
For one of the situations, I was quite surprised, like my client. He is collaborative and it did appear that the other person was not up for the job. Still, his boss held him accountable and expected him to take care of the problem. The negative perceptions hurt and sucked a lot of energy and time.
What did I advise? First, it is useful to normalize this experience. I have coached many effective leaders who have been caught in such a conflict even when they did not seek it. Second, it is useful to consider your part in such a tangle. How have you tried to reach out to the other person? Have you had a conversation with the other person and talked about how the conflict and negative perceptions are hurting both of you? Have you sought out a third party to support such a conversation? Be sure to first get empathy and be in an open place when you begin the conversation. Be sure to give empathy and work to understand the other person’s perspective as well as share your view. Look for where there is common ground and shared purpose. Make sure you identify a solid agreement and how you will follow up. After a conversation or several, be sure to check-in to ensure you stay on track.
One of my clients had such a conversation with a colleague that she had avoided for quite a long time and did not like. She was quite upset when their mutual boss, the head of the organization, insisted they come to a truce rather than continue to complain and blame each other. With preparation and some anxiety, she had the conversation. She discovered that her colleague was angry that she failed to include him in what he thought was pertinent information in order to be successful. She avoided him and had failed to see the impact of her behavior. In turn, she was able to ask him to stop saying negative things about her staff. They agreed to hold regular meetings to share information. They both were relieved when their boss agreed that things were running more smoothly. Years later they continue to be close colleagues and the organization is much more effective and their lives are filled with less stress and anxiety.
Be aware of how you are being perceived in your interactions. Engage in conversations to create agreements.
Recently I was searching for an exercise routine for strength training. As I reviewed different videos and books, I found that there were many options and not just one “right” routine. This may seem obvious but we often have a predilection for identifying a “right” way, as I was when I began my search. Truthfully, we are each unique and need to find the best routine for ourselves.
In a similar way, research by Jeffry Martin on fundamental wellbeing concludes that there are many routes to personal wellbeing. In fact, his studies show that it is useful to try many forms of meditation, positive psychology exercises and other activities. Over time, we may find new routines are needed as we grow and develop.
It would be great if we could remember that there are many ways to live and be and that each person will experiment with options that work best for them. It does not mean that our way is “wrong” or “right”– just different. We spend too much energy making ourselves and others wrong. Polarization is rampant.
Try adapting an experimental mindset and try new ideas and ways of being. Allow others to also explore and grow. We are in a new time in our world and adapting an open mindset will serve us well.
A leader in my OASIS Conversation Course assumed that a member of his team was not a team player and was lazy. He was not updating his boss on the status of projects. The frustrated leader talked about letting his staff member go. However, he was able to notice his judgment and worked to stop his reaction and engage in a conversation with his team member. After the conversation, he reported to our class that his view of this team member totally changed.
In fact, the team member had been actively helping the other team members and was successfully completing his projects. In the conversation, the leader learned that the team member did not realize that he was expected to be sharing his progress. He felt confident and did not want to bother his manager. This leader was glad that he noticed his judgment and blind spot and was able to cool down and engage in a positive and productive conversation. The leader was able to see that he had not clarified his expectations and he realized that he had unfairly written off a productive staff member. He was grateful that he learned the skills for such a conversation and that he approached the team member with an open mind. This conversation supported the whole team.
Our brains are overloaded with millions of pieces of information and we can only process a small number at a time. We are always using our past experiences to make short cut decisions. Without awareness, we are making choices about people and situations. We are constantly making assumptions about whom we can trust and who belongs. Blind spots are a part of being human.
We naturally have stereotypes that impact our interactions. In addition, we experience confirmation bias where we ignore, avoid and devalue information that contradicts our beliefs. One study showed that people spend over 36% more time reading articles that confirm their beliefs. This can impact innovation.
While we can make quick decisions, our assumptions and blinds spots can create challenges in our interactions. Conductors added 20% more women musicians when they started conducting interviews where they could not see the candidates. Most of us don’t intend to be biased and we think we are open-minded. However, we naturally have blind spots.
We need to commit to being open and challenge ourselves to stop and consider other explanations—especially when we sense we are “right”. It is important to not let one interaction or experience color your point of view. Separate observable data from assumptions.
Notice and slow down your reactions and be thoughtful in your responses to differences and judgments. Pay particular attention to when you “know” you are “right.” Be curious and seek other perspectives.
