In my OASIS Conversation courses, I consistently emphasize a paradoxical truth: we need to slow down to hurry up. The urgency of our daily lives can easily deceive us into thinking we don’t have the luxury to pause, connect with ourselves, and extend empathy to others. The perpetual race against time pushes us to expedite processes, believing we’re making things happen.

Yet, when we consciously choose to decelerate on our path to a desired outcome, we unlock the profound benefits of active listening and genuine connection–with ourselves and those around us. Our default inclination is often to sprint towards solutions. For instance, consider a team member who fails to deliver a report on the specified day. If your response is a prompt reminder without a moment to pause and listen, you might be missing the underlying reasons for the delay. Absent empathy and understanding, tension brews, potentially souring the relationship. The paradox is that while urgency insists on swift action, the oversight of not pausing and understanding can double the time required to mend a misunderstanding or address an underlying issue.

When I remind myself to slow down to hurry up, the initial step involves a deliberate deceleration, redirecting my attention and awareness toward the matter at hand. This intentional pause grants me the presence to engage with others, to listen genuinely, and to empathize. In these moments of deliberate pause, incredible insights and resolutions emerge.

I am eager to hear about your experiences of slowing down to hurry up. What do you notice?

The metaphor of an inner garden of JOYBeing–the joy of being alive–has supported me. I check in on my inner garden at various moments throughout the day to connect with the inner aliveness. I envision energy flowing from the ground where seeds of joy are planted and be with the energy of growing plants.

Somedays, my inner garden is rich and abundant with a wide range of wildflowers and fruit, and I bask in the joy of life, and all that is possible. I am grateful to be alive. Other times, I notice the soil is dry with a barren garden.

At these times, I know that I need to reconnect with my purpose, connect with others, take care of myself, and engage in activities I enjoy. Like tending to a garden, I try to incorporate regular practices like walking, being in nature, drawing, and conversing with friends to sustain my inner garden.

I hope that my flourishing inner garden will benefit those I interact with, given that emotions are contagious. I encourage you to visualize and make it a practice of tending and enjoying your inner garden of aliveness.

What kind of an inner garden are you nurturing?

Researchers suggest that 95% of our behaviors are habitual patterns. We have each been conditioned by our upbringing, environment, and those we hang out with. The good news is that we have learned that we can build new neural pathways and develop new habits that serve who we are and want to be.

If we think the same thoughts and have the same emotional reactions and the same behaviors over time, it is like a road is formed in our brains. The roads are natural for us to travel and simply become the way we do things–often without thought or awareness. We all know how overtime driving becomes automatic. Of course, such pathways serve us. I know to brush my teeth when I awake and when I go to bed. I don’t have to waste valuable mental energy on remembering to do so.

Not long ago, we thought that once our baseline patterns were established, they could not be changed. Now, we know that “old dogs can learn new tricks.” We even believe that we can develop traits with repetition and awareness. While our amygdala is looking for pattern matches and oscillates the way a thermostat shifts to stay within a designated range, we can shift our baselines. This is very good news!

One area I have been working to shift is connecting more easily with a sense of joy and aliveness–what my colleague Gila Seriticioglu and I call JOYBeing. Quite frankly, I have tended to focus on making a difference and did not think I had time for joy. I didn’t think that it was something I should seek or was in the cards for me. There are so many challenges around us. However, I believe emotions are contagious and that if we can bring a little more joy and light to the world, many in our sphere of influence will benefit. My openness to joy has made quite a difference in how I live.

I have set my intention on noticing, appreciating, and expanding moments of joy. I consciously check in and pay attention to joyful moments and savor them. I can’t just think I want more joy in my life. I have tried that. Instead, I savor the sensations and fully embody the experience of joy. For example, I enjoy being with a friend, laughing at a joke with a neighbor, playing a game with family members, seeing a sunny day, walking in nature, learning something, etc. As I am aware of such moments, I choose to fully experience them and notice what it feels like to appreciate the joy of being alive. I have developed the practice of engaging in activities and interactions that inspire joy. For example, I create time to connect with friends and engage with art, beauty, and nature.

What habits are you working on developing this year?

Wishing you JOYBeing this New Year. May we each embody and share more joy and light.

John (not his real name) was referred for executive coaching because while he is brilliant and brings impressive ideas to his large corporation, there continued to be complaints about how he interacted with people. He seemed gruff and rude to people; they thought he was too dismissive and demanding. When I met John, he was not excited about participating in coaching. The problem was with the unintelligent people around him who needed to learn to execute effectively. John focused on results, and he knew what was required to make the numbers. He didn’t want to waste time on people issues.

I have worked with many leaders like John. Some were not as direct as John and would say they cared about people, but those around them did not experience connection.

A theme I continually see in my work as an executive coach and facilitator of leadership development programs is the need for real human connection. It is sad to see the energy wasted by all involved when people feel unheard. The work experience can be challenging where there is a lack of empathy, trust, and innovation. It’s hard to collaborate and create new solutions amid a climate and culture of disconnection.

Luckily, after some coaching and experimentation, John tasted the connection experience with his team and colleagues. A whole new way of being opened up for him. He learned how to take an Open Stance and to catch himself from reacting and instead choose more effective responses. He genuinely listened and felt heard himself. He created a greater sense of trust, and his team performed at a higher level with more enthusiasm. Hearing how colleagues and team members had greater respect and confidence in John and the organization was inspiring. The connection was transformative.

What has been your experience with connection in your team and organization?

In Denmark, there are libraries where you can “borrow a person” and hear their life story for 30 minutes rather than borrowing a book. Each person has a title such as “refugee,” “bipolar”, “unemployed,” etc. Listening to a person’s life story teaches people to “not judge a book by its cover.” This project, called The Human Library, is active in over 85 countries.

Whether you can access one of these projects, make it a goal to take an Open Stance and be curious to listen and learn about another’s life. We each have a winding and interesting path that has contributed to our perspective and way of being.

I recall people I met with whom I initially assumed we would not connect or be friends, yet to my surprise, we later became close. Reflecting on these experiences has helped me to stay open to people.

It helps me recall that we each experience challenges on our life journey and that people often do what makes sense to them. We each have learned habitual patterns that likely once served us. At the same time, we are each in the process of learning and growing. Through connection with others, we create a sense of belonging and joy and can realize our potential.

Your simple act of listening without judgment but care can make a difference for others and you.

Do you recall an experience of initially judging a person by their cover and then learning more and shifting your perspective?

In the unpredictable journey of life, I have found the simple mantra, “trust the process,” to be invaluable. It has helped me to be open and calm and navigate many challenges and uncertainties.

For example, when I am coaching or facilitating a team and tensions simmer and doubts cloud the room, maintaining faith in the process has a remarkable way of guiding the group toward resolution and alignment. When I remember to trust the process, it always seems to work out, and there exists a path to collaboration and connection.

When I worry about someone or something, I remember to trust the process. I remind myself that I have done my best and am embracing an Open Stance–being receptive, open to learning, and seeing opportunities. This perspective helps me to be centered and open to possibilities. I believe this hopeful energy is contagious, influencing not only my outlook but also those around me.

I encourage you to experiment with trusting the process. In the face of uncertainty, let this mantra guide your steps and invite your hope and openness. Notice how this perspective shapes your experiences. Kindly share what you notice.

Do you have an experience of trusting the process to share?

I recall one negative review on the course feedback forms. “This won’t work with my manager.” I could feel the sting of the feedback and a heaviness in my chest. The rest of my trip to Vienna was dimmed. I could hardly enjoy the meal or music afterward or the sightseeing days. I was disappointed that I had not reached an intelligent leader in a challenging situation. Ironically, I later heard from the participant that he did indeed have a dramatic shift in his relationship with his boss when he used the OASIS Conversation process.

It is our nature to focus on negative things disproportionately. It comes from our early days as humans when negative things could kill us. Many things that feel like threats today are not likely to snuff out our lives.

Rick Hanson says that the fear center in our brain can be a “sad amygdala” that bases our actions on fear by releasing cortisol, adrenaline, and other stress-inducing hormones that make us feel anxious and worried.

A “happy amygdala” will stimulate our nucleus accumbens, the goal-fulfilling part of our brain, to spark motivation, ambition, and optimism. We can develop a happy amygdala by savoring and exposing it to more positive experiences and toning down the fearful responses. This requires reminding ourselves of the many good things in our lives often, building the neural structure, and training our brains to recognize the good things more readily. It’s like building a new pathway or roadway that becomes the natural path.

We can rewire our brains by focusing on positive developments. Notice small positive details that are present and practice being kind and generous to others. Recall a fond memory, perhaps a day at a park or a beach with friends, and re-experience it in sensory detail. Re-enjoy the moments.

When I receive an email from a client or course participant who shares how they are using what they learned in our work together and feeling more robust and having more success in their interactions, I pause, appreciate, and savor the experience.

How do you experience negative or positive feedback?

We are collectively facing a tumultuous time in the world with war, climate disruptions, polarization, and financial and technological challenges. I ask myself, and others ask me, “How can we be grateful when so many are suffering?” It is an important question.

We must be empathetic, show compassion, and do our best to support those in need. Yet, paradoxically, fostering a sense of gratitude is equally imperative. While it feels counter-intuitive, we must also be grateful and appreciate all we have. We are interconnected, emotions are contagious, and our hope and optimism can ripple out to positively influence others. If we stay focused on what is not going well in the world, we don’t have the energy to find ways to make life better for ourselves and others.

One of the world’s leading scientific experts on gratitude, Robert Emmons, Ph.D., concurs that gratitude is indispensable. He articulates this perspective in an article for Greater Good:

“I have often been asked if people can—or even should—feel grateful under such dire circumstances. My response is that not only will a grateful attitude help—it is essential. In fact, it is precisely under crisis conditions when we have the most to gain by a grateful perspective on life. In the face of demoralization, gratitude has the power to energize. In the face of brokenness, gratitude has the power to heal. In the face of despair, gratitude has the power to bring hope. In other words, gratitude can help us cope with hard times.”

Acknowledging the challenges inherent in life, we recognize that suffering is an inevitable part of the human experience. Hopefully, we grow through these challenges and see many of them as opportunities and experience moments of transformation.

According to Emmons: “Trials and suffering can actually refine and deepen gratefulness if we allow them to show us not to take things for granted. Our national holiday of gratitude, Thanksgiving, was born and grew out of hard times. The first Thanksgiving took place after nearly half the pilgrims died from a rough winter and year. It became a national holiday in 1863 in the middle of the Civil War and was moved to its current date in the 1930s following the Depression.”

The celebration of Thanksgiving is a testament to the enduring power of gratitude to sustain us through hardship. As we navigate these tumultuous times, I am grateful for our connection.

I wish you hope, gratitude, and a joyful Thanksgiving.

It’s counter-intuitive; our instinct is to protect ourselves and to duck for safety when the dust is flying amid a time of uncertainty and polarization. However, doing the opposite and taking an Open Stance can be transformative.

We can recognize our instinct to close down, judge, and control. Rather than assuming negative intent of others, we can choose to be curious and assume positive intent first. Imagine the impact it could have on our relationships and interactions. When a colleague proposes a new idea, don’t immediately dismiss it and question their motives. If you assumed the person was genuinely trying to improve things, you would enhance the atmosphere of trust and collaboration, leading to more positive and productive outcomes.

We can look for what is working rather than what is not working. Rather than focus on the challenges and obstacles you face on a project, focus on building on what is already effective and let yourself be more solution-oriented, seeing the possibilities and opportunities for growth.

We can choose optimism and aliveness over pessimism and despair. Emotions are contagious, and when we select optimism, the positivity creates a ripple effect for those around us.

An Open Stance is the best offense. Yes, it’s counter-intuitive. When learning to swim, we instinctively raise our head above the water to breathe. However, when swimmers learn to lower their heads in the water, they become much more efficient and faster. They learn how to counteract their initial instinct.

We can also learn to shift to being open, and with this lens, we are positioned to see more possibilities and make more optimal decisions. With an Open Stance, we can engage in positive and productive OASIS-like conversations. Our perspective broadens, and we can be more resilient. We can build the neural pathways and habits that enable joy and aliveness.

With an Open Stance, we are resilient, unlock the power of connection, and are richly rewarded. We experience and foster a greater sense of belonging and psychological safety. We benefit from connecting with our colleagues, family, and community. We widen our circle of influence and are positioned to make a difference-which is the essence of leadership and a quality the world needs more of today.

So, embrace the power of an Open Stance and watch how it transforms your connections and world.

In these tumultuous times, I have been reflecting on what I can do. The challenges we face are complex, with a myriad of perspectives and needs. It’s easy to question the impact of individual actions, wondering if they are just drops in an insurmountable bucket.

Many of us grapple with how we can make a meaningful difference in our workplaces, families, and communities. One simple yet valuable response we can each embrace is to be compassionate and kind and to spread a sense of connection rather than feed polarization. We can take an Open Stance when we want to close down.

We can acknowledge our shared humanity and that most people are doing the best they can based on their unique life experiences. Life is laden with challenges, but it’s also a canvas for growth and transformation.

A useful practice is to pause, focus on, and slow down our breath for a few moments. We can put attention on our heart. As we do, we can bring to mind someone or something we appreciate or care about– a child, a friend, a tree, a pet, or a serene place in nature. In this moment, allow feelings of compassion and kindness to grow. Then, turn that sense of compassion and kindness toward yourself. That’s right. Be kind and compassionate toward yourself, too. Experience this expanded state of being.

With this openness, we are ready to extend the same warmth and consideration to those we encounter as well as others across the globe. We can lend an empathetic ear to someone undergoing a challenging time, contribute our time or resources to a worthy cause, or simply share a smile and a word of thanks with the barista at the local coffee shop, a neighbor, or a colleague. In our mind’s eye, we can envision a ripple of kindness and compassion radiating to other drivers on the road or people strolling along a path or in another part of the world.

Indeed, our efforts are tiny drops in a vast ocean of need. However, from our place of openness, our kindness touches others and spreads the enlivening energy that is so needed.

In times of complexity, the simplicity of compassion and kindness is a force of power. Clear intention and even little acts can create a wave of positive change. It is something each of us can do now–even when we don’t know what to do.